Day 21: Looks Like We Made It

Scripture: Psalm 147-150

Today's Menu:

Leftovers....

Looks Like We Made It

So it is day 21!! And the for many, the Daniel fast will reach its end at 12:01am Tuesday morning, less than 12 hours from now.  Let me thank you for taking this journey with me and I pray that the changes God has worked in our lives will be lasting ones.  Remember the lessons you have learned; hold onto to the promises you have been given; maintain the disciplines you have developed; and cling closely to God.  I look forward to hearing your testimonies of breakthrough.  I will ask Rev. Kennedy to set up a space on the website for us to share.  I think it is important to encourage others as well as ourselves.  Until next time....God's best blessings upon you!

Day 20: There's Gotta Be a Horse in Here Somewhere

Scripture: Psalms 145-146

Today's Menu:

Ginger Sesame tofu

Spinach pasta salad

Grilled eggplant

Steamed broccoli with sliced tomato

Roasted mushroom

Gnocchi with pomodoro sauce

There's Gotta Be a Horse in Here Somewhere

I begin this blog with a story Rev told during his sermon at the 2nd Site:

Two men were hired to work on farm.  The job was to shovel manure out of the barn.  The first man refused and walked away.  The second man accepted the job and got to work.  After several hours, the owner of farm came to check on the progress of the man.  He found the man happily shoveling the manure from the barn and hard at work.  The farmer inquired about how the man was doing and why he was so happy about shoveling the manure.  The man replied: "With all this manure, I figure there's gotta be a horse in there somewhere."

That's what I want to share with you this afternoon.  A simple message: Keep digging, there's gotta be a horse in there somewhere.  We are now at the final days of the fast.  20 days down and for many only 1 day to go.  Don't give up now, keep digging 'cause there's gotta be a horse (a blessing) in there somewhere.  Don't stop digging for God in prayer, or scripture, or worship.  Don't abandon the habits that you have developed.  Keep digging because God is indeed a rewarder of those that diligently seek Him.  

I have more days to go with Daniel and I know that there are some others who are continuing, too.  Let me now if you want the blog to continue for the whole 40 days.  Meanwhile, I am letting this simple message encourage my heart.  I'm gonna keep digging 'cause with all this manure there's gotta be a horse in there somewhere for me, too!

Day 19: Bringing things to my Remembrance

Scripture: Psalms 141-144

Todays Menu:

Gnocchi with pomodoro sauce

salad with oil and vinegar

OJ

Bringing Things to My Remembrance

I had to go get my old tattered, falling apart from the seam Bible for this one because I was remembering something Bishop Evans said when he preached for our 2005 Visions Conference.  I wrote on the blank pages of my Bible (where I keep my sermon notes) and here's what the two quotes I recorded on April 29, 2005 said:

"God specializes in you being vulnerable before the breakthrough."

"Your need is the revelation of where God is moving in your life next."

I remembered his words today, or at least portions of it and wanted to get it right, which is why I went searching for this Bible.  If he is correct, then I am headed for a huge financial breakthrough. 

During the fast, I have been praying to be loosed from debt and specifically asked God last night to free me so that I might be a blessing to the kingdom.  My prayer is to have the resources to give as my heart desires.  I want to have so much to give that I have to search for places to give it.  I want ministry to go forth unhindered by financial concerns and if people don't want to get with vision--no problem! I want God to bless me so that the stingy cannot stop the show.  So where have I been getting attacked?  ....You guessed it, another crazy bill this week and then I remembered these words of Bishop Evans.  It is also no surprise that these attacks have come directly after I surrendered to continue this fast for 40 days.  

Well, the Lord will work it out and I am on to the next thing.  I don't worry like I used to; maybe this fast is opening my eyes wide enough to see the big picture.  God's got me and always has, sometimes, though, I have forgotten and yet He has never forgotten me.  Thanks, Rev. Debbie--I am NOT forgotten, all in God's perfect timing and so I am going to trust God and God's timing.  I am going to watch and worship this moving, carrying, and present God.  Because when I sit quietly, my spirit leaps within me.  It is so excited about something that I have yet to grasp and I am getting excited, too.  

So, tonight when everything is done and quiet, I will sit and meditate on these words and let them saturate my spirit.  I will listen to hear if the Lord or my spirit wants to let me in on the surprise.  And I will thank God and worship because I believe again, I hope again, and I trust again, because most of all, I am EXCITED again! 

Day 18: A carrying, moving, present God

Scripture: Psalm 140-???

Today's Menu:

Sesame ginger tofu with spinach noodles, grilled eggplant, grilled mushrooms, olives

A few salted almonds

Corn cakes (like rice cakes but made with corn) with peanut and banana slices

Sliced oranges

A Carrying, Moving, Present God

This blog is very late....I know and I apologize.  I was caught by the totally unexpected but made it through and still managed to get what I needed done today.   The blessing is that I was able to deal with the challenges with genuine level of peace and without being overwhelmed.  I know this is the result of fasting.  I am able to go with the flow without being so frustrated.

The last couple of days, I was really hit with the unexpected.  I walked out of the dentist(s) offices--note the plural-- with about $2000 worth of work to be done sooner than later.  Did I mention, I do not have that kind of money to plop down right now? And yet, I like having teeth...I wanted to cry when I was told but instead I just gave it to God and kept on going.  I don't carry things like I used to.

In this season, I am not hearing from God so much, ok at all.  No word from the Lord but I see God moving in the details of my life.  Perhaps, God is teaching me a new way of communicating...here's what I mean.  I am very comfortable with the talking God but not that excited about the silent one.  This is what I am mainly experiencing during this fast. Perhaps God is asking me to trust Him as a moving God--taking care of things even though He's not saying anything in particular to me.  Perhaps God is asking me to trust Him as the carrying God, because He keeps on taking my burdens and I am becoming more aware that there are some things that I don't have to lug around. And perhaps, God is asking me to just worship because every time I simply utter a "thank you" because I feel God's presence flood my soul.  

God is showing me Godself in a ways I have known Him.... but DEEPER.  I love this carrying, moving, and present God.  I love Him!  

  

Day 17: Staying on Track

Scripture: Psalm 130-???

Today's Menu:

Whole foods left overs....veggie burger, grilled eggplant, spinach noodle salad, tabbouleh, raw veggies, tofu (yes, found a tofu I like), and split pea soup

Staying on Track

Ok, this is getting a little scary...I did not expect to be able to eat like this and enjoy it. My tastes have really changed and although I cannot say I will never eat meat, dairy, white bread or rice, yeast, or sugar, coffee, or tea, there is something in me that does not really want to go back.  Perhaps when my total fast is over (I will probably go longer than 21 days) but right now, except for the occasional craving for processed sugar, this is an ok way for me to live.  I would like these healthy foods to be my base and add the rest in moderation.  The opposite was true before I started. I feel "clean" and don't want to "defile" myself with some of the stuff I was putting in my body, even Snickers are not as appealing...I now feel a different kind of food guilt, like I am betraying something or someone because I am not looking forward to my old favorites.  This fast has changed me like none other.  I cannot remember a fast doing a complete overhaul on me in so many simple, fundamental, but critical ways like this one.  Look at GOD!  And from the comments I am hearing around, it seems like this is how a lot of people are feeling.  The Daniel fast is changing lives, even extending lives as we eat better physically and spiritually.

So today, I just want to to encourage us to stay on track.  I wrote the other day about the "sweet spot" and it is a lovely place. However, it is so easy to get pulled from it.  Take for instance, yesterday and this morning.  I got pulled away with so many things that needed my attention that I did not have the morning and evening time like I had been having and then my pandora subscription ran out because I had already used my free 40 mins of music for the month.  This morning I was awoken early with work calling me and had to back track to my devotions.  Now I accept that this is my life so I must now figure out how to live it better because my spirit felt off kilter.  So I simply did what I knew to do to refresh my spirit and unload my cares...I turned on my praise music (music is essential to my connect with God, when I cannot even pray, I will sing a hymn or song until I can unload my spirit), took out my journal, books, and bible and settled in with my time with God.  The sweetness returned.  

This fast has shown me how I can stay on track by simply getting right back on track whenever I fall off or in some cases, am pushed off.  Just go back to what I know to do to enter God's presence and cast my cares on Him instead of just pushing forward in my day and counting that time as a loss because I couldn't maintain the schedule.  It also is showing me what I know but am slow to accept--my day must begin at 5am at least 5-6 days a week.  It is the only way I can truly guard that precious time with God.  Even if I return to bed when it is done, I will have gotten it in.  Sleeping late may not get to be my weekly luxury...(sigh) but reserved for vacations, when I can truly turn off all contact, so I have to go to bed earlier instead.  This does not excite me but that "sweet spot" is worth staying on track.  I don't want to lose this closeness, this intimacy.  I am learning how to develop it, nurture it, create space for it because I now realize it is what I truly crave, not simply relationship but intimacy. My prayer is that like Nike, I just do it!

Day 16: Pray for the Tipping Point

Scripture: Psalms 121-130

Today's Menu:

???? just not sure. the whole foods split pea soup was EXCELLENT and so was the veggie burger, may try again...

Pray For the Tipping Point

I can't believe the fast is almost over.  I was just thinking that by next Tuesday's Bible Studies and prayer meeting, we will have completed 21 days together.  I am excited about that and all that it has taught us.  I pray that we will continue some of these disciplines as we move forward.  

I think we are at a critical time.  I feel like we have been in this holding pattern for a while now and I am praying that we reach our tipping point during this fast.  A tipping point is when a previously rare phenomenon occurs rapidly and far more commonly.  It occurs at some point when the scales are mysteriously swayed to the other side.  It is my earnest prayer that as a people we are there.  I pray that our fasting and praying in solidarity; that in this corporate act of sacrifice we will have tipped as a people from apathy to appreciation, satisfied to surrendered, and excuses to excellence.  

I pray that we truly tip over into the place and be the people God is calling us to be. I pray that vision will no longer be held up and people will have a mind press forward to God's promises.  I believe that God has promised good to St. James.   Pray for the tipping point....

Day 15: The Sweet Spot

Scripture: Psalm 120-???

Today's Menu:

Craving a salad with a veggie pattie

Split pea soup

The Sweet Spot

I think I have hit the "sweet spot,"  the place where you have settle into the fast and the presence of God is so apparent.  I like this place!  Last night, I came home from church and I logged onto Pandora.com and put on my "hymns4worship" station.    I worshipped as I washed my face and got ready for bed.  Then I as settled into bed with my journal and a book on fasting that I am reading, it was like curling up beside a best friend for wonderful conversation.  It was almost akin to that almost giddy sleep over feeling where you have been waiting all day to hang out with your friends because there is no bed time or interruptions.  The music set the atmosphere and I was so CONTENTED to journal, listen, and read.  I was so glad not to watch TV when I came home or talk to anyone.  I did not feel the lonely yearning for God to fill the space but this contentment of companionship.  I was so far from alone, it was amazing.  I fell asleep talking to God instead of falling asleep on God.  And I have had the best, most restful nights of sleep during this fast than I have had since my grandmother died almost 2 years ago.  

God is so near, nearer than hands and feet, closer than breath and air and I love Him deeply.  I am deeply loved. I do not want to leave this place/space.  And know that there are some ways I need to reorganize my life to accommodate these quiet moments and get the necessary rest.  I need to limit how much TV I watch because it was definitely increasing before the fast.  Perhaps I will set a time limit for myself, an allotment for the day.  I need these extended mornings and evenings with God.  

We have one more week left of our journey together but I am praying to see if mine will actually end or if I need to press on a little further, perhaps do 40 days before my 4oth year...I want change that will reorient my entire existence so like Jacob, I am not letting go until God blesses me.  Stay tuned....

Day 14: God is faithful

Scripture: Psalm 116-119

Today's Menu:

I'm gonna see what Whole Foods has and treat myself...maybe some tabouleh salad, yum!

God is Faithful

I have no great revelation today (of course, you may thinking, "You haven't had one so far so why change now." )  Just the 3 words of the title.  I have am seeing a pattern of discouragement attacking us.  We are almost 2 weeks in and it seems this is the last trick the devil has.  He is skewing our perspective and making us see things from the most negative vantage point.  He really wants us to believe that we are not making a difference and nothing will change, we might as well give in.  DON'T because by discouraging us, he is showing us his hand.  

If our fasting makes no difference then he would leave us alone to face total failure at the end. That would best suit his purpose.  Just think about it.  We do this for 21 days, sacrifice, stand on the Word and nothing. He doesn't have to lift a finger.  That experience alone would take a lot to overcome for us to do a fast again.  So he tries to stop us because He knows what we have to remember--GOD IS FAITHFUL!!!! If he can stop us now, he can block our breakthroughs having us declare defeat before the end of the battle.  He wants us to surrender to our flesh, to our discouragement, to our doubt, to our weariness, to CHOCOLATE! 

Meanwhile, God wants us to surrender to Him.  Just keep going because I am reminded of the story of Jacob and Esau.  Remember how Esau sells his birthright for a bowl of lentils? When we read it, we often wonder--how could he do that? trade in his future for some stew?!  Ridiculous, right?....You see where I am going?!  Dairy, Meat, Sugar, Yeast, etc are not worth my breakthrough, freedom, or blessing.  This fast is us claiming our birthrights and inheritances as children of God.  We can't let the devil trick us with snack.  

This morning as I was reading the Psalms, this one stuck with me:  "Uphold me according to your promise, that I may live, and let me not be put to shame in my hope" (Ps. 119:116).  That is my prayer during this last week.  Discouragement in so many forms has attacked me during this fast but I remember that there is no need to discourage me if God is not going to come through.  The devil would just let God disappoint me.  But God isn't, a change IS coming! And I am excited to see it.

Day 13: Sunday Thoughts

Scripture: Luke 17:1

Today's Menu:

Salad (lettuce, tomato, red onion, black olive, jalapeno peppers, cucumbers) with a veggie pattie

Baked Tostitoes

Apple chips

pistachios

almonds (maybe...or matzo or rice cake with peanut butter)

Sunday Thoughts...

I am sitting in my den munching on a salad without dressing, cheese, or meat and actually enjoying it.  I am amazed at how my taste buds have changed.  I am also realizing that although nothing much has changed on the outside, so much on the inside has.  One thing I have noted in general is that the fight has returned to my spirit.

Yesterday, in a conversation with one of my best friends, I commented on how this fast has enabled me to see how much of the devil's stuff I was just putting up with.  I tolerated and accepted things that I did not have too and stopped fighting and believing for things that God promised me.  I somehow allowed guilt, mistakes, and wrong turns make me feel like I couldn't really ask or believe God for some things in my life and started receiving what the devil was dishing out--discouragement, disappointment, disbelief which decreased my vision. Sure God was going to bless me, He was just that good but not in ways I truly wanted.  No, I messed that up when I went left instead of right, or said no instead of yes, or procrastinated too long, or acted in fear instead of faith.  so if I don't get this or ever that...well it is my own fault, the consequences of my actions or lack thereof.  And yet I had already confessed those things as sin, truly repented of them, and did not turn back but I was holding it against myself because God had already forgotten it.  I was the one who, decided I deserved less, could only have less, not God.  I let the devil guilt me then use the fact that certain things had not yet manifested as proof they would never come.  I let him convince me not to hope or I would be disappointed; not to ask because God would surely say no; not to desire because it would lead to heartbreak; not to dream because it would not only be deferred but denied.  Sure I could believe God for the church and church people but I had slowly, imperceptibly stopped believing for me.   Some of you know what I mean because you been down this road too....

And what is happening is that as I have been reading the word during this fast I keep on getting reminders of what God has spoken into my life and promised me and my spirit refuses to bow to the natural but is holding fast to what it has glimpsed in the spiritual.  My vision is expanding and I am seeing the lies of Satan as just that LIES!!! God really has promised good to me and some things I really desire.  And my fight has returned.  I am no longer settling.  I believe God--that's it and I am no longer going to shrink wrap the vision or pocket size the promise.  That regardless of past disappointments, pain, prayers not answered as I would have liked--I trust GOD!  I trust God with every hope, dream, wish, want, prayer, desire, and petition.  And I will fight the devil with all that I have.  I am going on the offense.  I'm tired of playing the defense.  I want a touchdown, and not just block the goal. Some battles I will win others I may lose.  But even if I lose, the devil is going to know he was in a fight.  

I don't know what things will look like on day 21 but I see me in the future and I look better than I do right now.  

Day 12: God in the Details

Scripture: Psalm 112--???

Today's Menu:

I am going to try some oatmeal with cinnamon, nutmeg, and maybe a lil of my smoothie mixed in to sweeten.  I'll let you know how it turns out....

Baked Tostitoes

Orange slices

Pomegranate applesauce

Chili over brown rice

Salad (Had a great salad from Subway, just chose the veggies I wanted and had them sprinkle a little salt and pepper on it. Surprisingly....DELICIOUS?!?! Who would have thought?  Clearly my taste buds are changing)

God in the Details

Yesterday was somewhat of an adventure.  I had an appointment in Bergen County about a two two shy of NYC.  I had texted the link with the directions to all of my appointments to my cell.  As I left the first appointment heading to the second, the trackball on my BBerry decided to break and not allow me to scroll down--I could not access my directions nor scroll to Sprint Navigation because the icon was on the 3rd row.  Now this is not the first time the trackball decided not to scroll in a particular direction but it always started to work again after playing with it for a minute.  I start talking to God--please make this phone work, why won't this phone work?  I am a bit annoyed that after fasting for almost 11 days, I cannot pray healing over a PHONE!  So I manage to get directions to my next town and there is a Sprint store there.  I go in (no line) give them my phone because the charging port is also fickle and will only charge after I play with it and then not even touch it or it will lose connectivity.  So they give me a replacement, upgrade the software so I can send MMS and not just SMS messages, and give me a way faster Web browser which only this store offers.  The store had free wifi so I caught up on email as they worked and was there for less than an hour.  The man tells me if the charge port had gotten loose, I would have had to send it to Sprint for a replacement and pay $100 deductible but because it wasn't, I got a free replacement.

It occurred to me as I drove away in perfect time to reach my next meeting and not have to wait around that my phone not working had been a blessing.  I needed to get the phone fixed but never put it in the schedule.  I just tolerated its quirks and worked with it.  It was not until it failed me at a critical moment that I went in for the replacement.  Had I waited yet again, the port would have gotten loose from my jiggling it to charge it and that would have cost $100 I did not want to spend.  

There are so many lessons in here for me about not waiting to fix something because it could break at a critical moment, how it costs more to fix something later than sooner, living with poor connectivity, how we won't address some things until they reach a critical point so God must allow them to break to get our attention, unexpected delays may actually be unexpected upgrades, delayed but not late....I am going to think and meditate on these things even as I give thanks for the simple gift of a new phone.  

As I have said in the days that have past, I have not had that breakthrough/I hear God moment.  That may very well come and I believe God will speak in some powerful ways in days to come. But right now, God is weaving Godself within the very fabric of my life and allowing me to see the thread!  For this blessing, I am grateful and encouraged.  God is loving me in the details of my life and if God cares about details, God cares about the whole thing.  

In what surprising places do you see God in your life?

Day 11: Time to Worship

Scripture: Psalm 107-???

Today's Menu:

More of the same....

Time to Worship

Yesterday, I needed a fasting helpline.  I was feeling so discouraged, tired, and sad.  There is nothing in me that wants to break the fast but I am battling the blues.  I pressed my way to revival last night and was glad I did but even that was a bit of a struggle. I am not thinking clearly STILL-walking out the door without keys to my truck, on my way down the stairs and cannot remember what I am going downstairs for, and the like.  Right now, I am looking at the glass of my life and concluding that it is half empty--NOT a good place.  I am right now in the middle of an internal temper tantrum in which I do not want to do anything, go anywhere, talk to anyone; I just want to pout and crawl back into bed.  But instead I will worship.

I think my flesh is dying.  It is crying for all it's old pleasures--food, TV, extra sleep, movies, simply running things based upon what it wants.  It does not like this deprivation, not one bit.  And it is so alone because my spirit refuses to loose it and my mind will not justify it's cravings.  Without these allies, it is powerless to rebel.  It can only grumble hoping one of the two will get on board, pity it, co-sign it's cravings.  It is starving now and no one is feeding it.  

Last night, my spirit came to life when the Dance Ministry ministered.  The atmosphere of worship did for me what nothing else--prayer, reading the Word, preaching could.  It lifted me.  It was like rain in a desert.  So I am playing one of my worship playlists on iTunes.  Soon I will stretch out on the floor and cry out in worship. If something has to die, well sorry flesh...it has to be you!  I've been praying; today I will just worship.  

Day 10: The Number of Divine Order

Scripture: Psalm 106

Today's Menu: Leftovers

Bean salad

Black beans, brown rice, mixed with tequila lime salsa

vegetarian chili

Banana, pineapple, and blueberry smoothie

Spaghetti squash and marinara sauce with sauteed mushrooms

Spinach sauteed in garlic and olive oil

Random nuts and fruit

(Ok I just listed everything in my fridge, I won't eat all of it!)

The Number of Divine Order

The first thing that hit me as I started to type this post is that today is day 10 and 10 is a significant spiritual number.  The number 10 signifies completion and perfection along with numbers 3, 7, and 12. Three is divine perfection (Trinity). Seven is spiritual perfection; when God completes a work (creation).  Twelve is governmental perfection (12 tribes, 12 disciples). However, 10 is the number of divine order. What is distinctive about 10 is that human beings MUST participate.  This one is not on God like the others.  This level of completion cannot be accomplished unless we participate with God, think 10 commandments--we have to obey.  

So on this 10th day of the fast, I reminded to remain strong and do my part.  There is a role I must play in my own breakthrough: fasting, praying, staying in the word, living out my fasting commitments of no TV.  Last night, I felt a cold coming on--my throat is scratchy; I have an annoying runny nose, and a headache that won't really go away.  I was feeling a little type of way (as opposed to just some type of way) because I have yet to hear God's voice or get a revelation or anything.  I haven't gotten the glory cloud or even that "sweet spot."  God is very near but still just out of reach.  And today, I really want to crawl into bed and just sleep but I will write the sermon, blog, journal, read the word. I want comfort food not the apple ice that is still untouched in the freezer (hmmm maybe it will sooth my throat) but I will fast.  I want to TV but I will listen to hymns and simply listen instead.  I have to overpower my "I want" with "I will" and "I must" so I can reach day 21 (3x7) which is the intersection of divine order and spiritual perfection. 

Yeah, I just got excited writing that!!!  That's the place I want to be because that is a powerful intersection.  It's a place where God takes over where I have left off from doing all I can so God can now do what only God can.  That's the kind of breakthrough I need.  One that extends beyond my ability to grant myself and God just steps in to do the exceeding, abundant, greater than I can think or imagine things.  I am expecting miracles of God and so I need to expect something from myself--obedience, faithfulness, discipline.  If I can live out my day 10's then I will be ready for day 3's, and 7's, and 12's when God moves.  I am convinced that God must make us into breakthrough people before we actually get a breakthrough--slaves cannot live in the Promised Land.  Day 10's gets us ready to accept God's move on the 21st.

It's day 10--what do you need to do?

Day 9: Fighting the Nibbles

Scripture: Psalm 103

Today's menu:

Black beans and brown rice with tequila lime salsa (no tequila used) with baked Tostitoes (YUM!)

Spinach sauteed with olive oil and garlic, seasoned to taste

Spaghetti squash with marinara sauce (sauteed mushrooms in olive oil and garlic and added to sauce), topped with peas

Pomegranate apple sauce

Fighting the Nibbles

It is barely 10am and I am already a bit stressed.  There is so much to do and so little time to do it.  And when I am stressed, I want to eat.  I just finished the black beans, rice, salsa and tostitoes but it was breakfast and I was hungry so I am safe on that one.  However, last night, I saw my stronghold clearly.  

I had come in from prayer meeting and stopped at the grocery store in search of a Boca burger and a few odds and ends.  I found it and began to read the label getting VERY excited until I saw "yeast extract".  Hoping to find a loophole, I called Rev to make ABSOLUTELY sure we could not have the yeast.  You know the answer....I am almost hung up on him.  This fast was now playing with my emotions!!  I was tired, hungry for something more filling and satisfying than these vegetables, fruit, and rice and left disappointed.  Once home, I began to cook for today and enjoyed myself because I actually love to cook.  And then I saw that emails had come through for the anniversary. Now it was great that people were responding with ads, but everything in me was screaming--do I EVER get some time off? I knew I had to take care of it then because today would be jammed pack. In that moment, with the thoughts traveling through my mind at warp speed of all I had to do before Sunday, I started looking around for something to put in my mouth. I needed a snack.  The nibbles were attacking!

During this fast I have clearly seen that the nibbles attack when I am stressed and tired.  I instinctively reach for something to eat.  I have to remind myself that just because I am snacking on fruit or a vegetable, it is still the nibbles if I am not hungry.  The nibbles are a stronghold.  Rev once defined a stronghold as a fortress of the mind, this intricate weaving of thoughts that produce an automatic behavioral response.  We know we are dealing with a stronghold when something happens and we respond in some negative way without even thinking.  Like Pavlov's dog, we drool simply because the bell has been rung.  In my case, if I were a robot and you pressed my stressed or tired button, my hand would reach for a snack.  

The Bible says that "We are not ignorant of Satan's device" (II Cor. 2:11). I am clearly seeing his subtle attack through the nibbles--the nibbles are to keep me from relying on God for my strength and comfort.  My instinct is to reach for food, not God.  The nibbles are blockers, trying to intercept a God opportunity in my life.  

So last night as I clicked on my gmail account to review the emails, I pulled up a chair, sat down with a sigh and a simple prayer, "Lord Jesus, PLEASE help me." Did what I had to do and went to bed--no snack needed.  Score: 1 for St. Clair  0 for the Nibbles.  

I am fighting the nibbles and you? What are you fighting? 

Day 8: Deepening in Prayer

Scripture: Psalms 96-102

Today's menu:

I am uncertain about eating today....well solid food.  Once the fast is over, I will do a normal fast on Tuesdays (church fast day) rather than the one meal a day.  Not sure if I will alternate now or wait until it is over....I tend to do the normal fast for periods of time 10 days or less so I am thinking, should I be taking the easy way out just because Rev. allows us a meal in there?  I want to mature not just get by...

Anyway, here are some options from the fridge that I will take and see how I am lead

• chili with brown rice (Camille, I want crumbles!  My chili was good but I have to admit I am going to freeze a portion to add meat to it. I really missed it)
• smoothie (need more unsweetened coconut milk for next batch)
• bean salad --2 cans chick peas, 1 can red kidney beans, a few tbsps olive oil (4?), vinegar (add half as much vinegar as you olive oil), salt, pepper to taste, sliced red onion, capers

BTW-I am down nearly 5.5lbs.  My body is glad to drop this excess vacation weight and was just waiting for me to quit eating so much that it could.  

Deepening in Prayer

I had a hard time getting out of bed this morning.  I did get up at 5:30am (half hour late) and did my devotional time.  Then I lay in bed waiting, listening, praying for a few minutes before getting ready to do to the gym.  My trainer rescheduled so I took a full fledge nap for an hour and a half.  I found my dreams interspersed with elements of my prayer--healing in one, my sister in the other (please pray for her-Tiffany).  

Anyway,...I have been doing 2 things during this fast, one that I will carry on afterwards...First, I write down whatever God is speaking specifically to me about during the sermon and on Sunday evenings, I meditate on that word and how to apply.  I want to move from hearer to doer.  I realize that for many of us a sermon is like spiritual entertainment.  We listen, we feel good, we take it in in those moments but we do not capture it in a way that allows us to really live it out.  I have decided to live out that word every week in some form or another; to specifically apply it to my life.  

Second, I have been reading Jentezen David's  Prayer Journal for a 21 Day Fast.  Each day, it tells me what to expect at this point in the fast and give me a focus for reflection and prayer. Yesterday was finance and prosperity. Today's topic....marriage.  God has jokes because that was what I was NOT going to pray for.  I just kinda left it alone since He HAS to know I would like a family of my own by now.  I love my nieces dearly but I want my own babies (note the plural)...

So this morning, I am going to be a bit transparent because this morning I went to a different place in prayer, a place I haven't been in a while.  No, it was not the holy of holies.  Not even to a place of God's unspeakable glory.  I went to a place of honest, uncensored prayer.  I prayed what I truly desired, not what I thought I could have at this point, not the shrinking, pocket-sized prayers of fear and too late and "if you just do this little thing, Jesus, I will be satisfied", but "God, here is what I really want."

I prayed what I sincerely desired--for my husband, for children and confessed my fear of infertility at my age. I asked God to help me be strong and not to settle, to wait for His best and recognize it, know it beyond a shadow of a doubt when He comes; to not get swept away in emotion but build a solid foundation where love can live.   I want a man who.... and filled in the blanks, not based on what I have had or seen or what other people expect for me but what MY heart desires. I told God and He listened and I think He smiled a little bit, not simply because of what I wanted but because today, I trusted him with my heart.

What deep prayers will you pray?

Day 7: Detailing

Scripture: Psalm 90-95

Today's Menu:

???

I think maybe a breakfast smoothie

Trying to find a vegetarian chili recipe

Detailing

Today I hide in my heart Psalm 94:19 and commend it to you: "When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul."

I went to bed very early last night.  I was tired and found myself dozing so decided why fight the feeling.  I ended up waking up at 2:20am with random anxious thoughts plaguing me.  The last several months have been the first time in my life that I have had difficulty sleeping through the night.  I lay in bed for a while listening and then praying, releasing the things that were troubling my mind to the Lord. Then I journalled. There is something about putting my thoughts to paper that allows me to truly release them in a way I cannot with simply verbal prayers.  But I am still awake....so I did a Wii Fit Body Test.  All I am saying is that there is room for improvement but this fast is really helping me get to where I need to be.

God is really clearing out a lot stuff in me and around me.  I mean that both physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  There is much in me to release to God:  sorrows that have broken my heart, disappointments that almost crushed my hope, wounds inflicted by friends, some "No's" to my prayers, the list continues....This is not a wash, it is a detailing job.  A slow, meticulous cleanse.  

I have not gotten that release/breakthrough/freeing feeling that comes with fasting and praying through.  I haven't reached my "sweet spot" of settling in and riding it out, yet.  I have not received any grand revelation or even a word that I recognize as such; just an abiding presence.  I feel God near me but still behind the veil.  I feel like I am moving through a cave of gauze.  I can see my way but the light is filtered, I have not made it into the sunlight yet.  And that is ok because I know that the exit to the cave is near. There is a press in my spirit that tells me to keep going.  I can't wait to see what the end will be!

Day 6: Sunday Thoughts

Scripture: Daniel 10:1-12

Today's menu:

???

Sunday Thoughts

As I am sitting in the den typing this blog, my head is absolutely killing me!  I am hungry but do not want anything that I am allowed to have and I am too drained to fix something....I am in a bad place.  I have been noticing that for many of you, the fast has gotten harder.  The first couple of days were relatively easy but around day 4 the cravings, hunger pangs, and headaches kicked in.  I know that I detoxing-the body is cleaning out the impurities now that is less work to do digesting meats, dairy, and complex carbs.  Someone posted a comment about not being happy.  I co-sign that.  You are not alone.  I feel an abiding peace and something holding me to this fast that will not let me go.  I know God is keeping me but ironically enough I have been feeling so lonely in the midst of this.  The reduction in food choices, no television, and the curtailing of conversation has made me a bit lonely for my old companions.  I enjoying my time with God but this is an adjustment.  All of my usual outlets are gone, it's me and Jesus and I am daily learning that God is enough.  

In the meantime, I am reminding myself that this is worth it.  That with each discomfort, I am pulling down a stronghold in my life and that God sees my sacrifice, knows I am serious because I am not looking for a corner to cut or an "out."  I am determined to get what I came for and know that some things only come with prayer AND fasting.

Today's sermon was powerful!  Wait.... on a side note, and this comment is not for the real HOLY people so stop reading if you can't take a joke....but at 11am did it feel like at points in the service, even the songs kinda slowed down?  I remember thinking at points: this beat should be faster and even when Rev and I recessed--it was casual stroll not a powerwalk! LOL! And then I thought, "Wow! We all must be really hungry!"  I bet some of you all enjoyed communion today more than you did in your whole life! LOL! Oh c'mon-you know you want to smile!

So back to the sermon--I took 2 things away from the message. The first is that I repented of the wrong turns I know I made.  It is difficult coming to grips with the fact that you are (I am) responsible for the delay of some things in my life.  I need to spend some time today just confessing and releasing those decisions and receiving God's forgiveness.  I pray that God will redeem the time and that I haven't missed certain opportunities because of my own poor choices.  

The second is that I must persevere.....I gotta keep going no matter how difficult this is.  And I have to keep going til I get what I am after not just until September 21st.  I am tired.  And I realize that I am more tired of the status quo of my life than I am of fasting.  I need change, not just want it.  I need it so that parts of me can truly live and flourish.  

Sorry for the delay in posting today.  Sundays are rough!  So expect to hear from me in the AM Monday through Saturday and the PM on Sundays!  I look forward to hearing from you!

Day 5: Linus is Losing Her Blanket

Scripture: Psalm 90-??

Today's Menu:

Sliced orange

Pistachios

1/2 bag freeze fried apples (leftovers from yesterday)

Strawberry or pomegranate applesauce (whichever I threw into my bag)

Spaghetti squash with marinara and peas

The spaghetti squash is a KEEPER.  I find myself moving away from the wheat products (pasta, matzo) peanut butter, and the rice cakes.  Lord, am moving towards a strict Daniel fast of fruit, vegetables, nuts, and rice?  I feel like I am being led away from anything "prepared" like I kinda have to start from scratch or get as close to the food's original state as I can.  

Linus Is Losing Her Blanket

You remember him, the Peanuts character who although he was amazingly intelligent and theological in his thinking, often quoting the Gospels and offering philosophical insights, would often be seen sucking his thumb and carrying his blanket.  The lose of his blanket brought on withdrawal symptoms--shakes, anxiety, sweating, and the like--similar to a detoxing drug addict.  There is one episode where Lucy actually tries to separate Linus and his blanket, but it didn't work.  Linus freaks out so bad, digging up the entire neighborhood to find it, that even Snoopy (who often tries to steal the blanket himself) feels bad for him and digs for the blanket, too.  

I feel a little like Linus. The challenge of this fast has not been so much the limiting of food but breaking my core reliance on it for comfort.  It's my security blanket.  I feel myself instinctively grabbing for a snack when my stress levels rise or I am overwhelmed, frustrated, or simply tired.  I have become more aware of it on this fast and convicted of it.  I can't just eat mindlessly and justify it by saying, "But the sheet says I can have it."  That is not the point of a fast.  I am realizing that breakthrough will come as I break through some idolatrous patterns of behavior. Yes, food is an idol.  When I am eating my stress instead of seeking God to relieve it, it's an idol. 

Food should be used for nourishment, even enjoyment but not a security blanket. God is my refuge and strength.  Like Linus sucking his thumb, I have often popped something in my mouth to soothe myself or kept food around me, just in case, feeling secure in that if everything else fails at least I can count on my Snickers bar!  During this fast, God is burying my blanket, not in the backyard but in the grave with Jesus.  My challenge is to enjoy food, be grateful for it, but keep it in its proper place.  In my times of stress, my default mode should be to seek God and not another snack. This Linus is working on losing her blanket!  What are you working on losing?

Day 4:Take Your Exit

Scripture: Psalm 86

Today's Menu:

Banana smoothie (remainder of Wednesday's recipe)

spaghetti squash with marinara sauce, peas, and capers

freeze dried apples

nectarine

pistachios (yum!)

pomegranate

raw carrots

Take Your Exit

Day 3 was a tough one. It seems we are in agreement on that.  I was hungrier and very sluggish.  Around 3:30/4pm my brain just shut off.  I have had a hard time maintaining my focus.  It has also been hard to find the time I want to spend with the Lord.  I'm hungrier for Him and really want an additional hour in the morning to just pray, listen, and journal.  It looks like I will have to get up earlier next week-5:30am.  I was hoping for 6:30 wake ups but no matter what it always goes back to 5:00 or 5:30am.  

I don't have anything insightful to say except: No testing has overtaken you that is not common to everyone. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it (I Cor. 10:13). We are all going to be tried during this fast--tempted to eat something or act in ways in appropriate for where we are going.  We will also be tried when God reveals things to us that are in us and are not so pretty.  We will have to decide whether we will ignore it or confess it, repent of it, and change it.  So just keep going!  I already feel like it is worth the sacrifice.  Just remember to take your exit.  When God makes a way of escape, jump on it IMMEDIATELY.  Do not travel down the road any further.  TAKE YOUR EXIT because the next one may be too far to take before you fall!  Blessings!

Day 3: Going Deeper

Scripture: Psalm85-??

Today's Menu:

Orange juice

brown rice and black beans

steamed broccoli

raw carrots

pink lady apple

pomegranate apple sauce

pomegranate

almonds

freeze dried pears

Going Deeper

I am working through Jentezen Franklin's books, Fasting and Fasting Journal.  Today, it challenges me to discern what lessons God wants me to learn about endurance and asks: what dreams are in your heart that only God can make possible?  These will be the topics of devotion and journalling but here are my surface thoughts, into which I will probe deeper during my time with God.  

God is teaching me that endurance pays off.  There are some things for which I have been asking God to do for DECADES.  This fast is a personal challenge to believe and hope again enough to sacrifice and seek and by faith declare in my actions, attitudes, and words that delayed does not mean denied.  Endurance for me means believing that God is not playing with me or teasing me.  There are some things that I do not know God's answers for.  I am waiting to hear about those.  But there are some things for which I KNOW I heard him but it has been so long so I begin to think I was wrong.  And yet, during this time of fasting and even a few days before it while I was preparing for it and getting my mind right, they began to bubble up from inside of me again.  

At first, I was excited and then a bit hesitant.  I hate disappointment.  I hate expecting and it not coming through.  I have had too many disappointments in these areas and wondered if it was worth it to endure or maybe....endure the fast for a different set of petitions and leave the old ones alone.  You follow me? I'd do the fast even with a glad heart but just for something else.  Then I knelt at the back of the sanctuary during the consecration service altar call to settle in on my requests for spiritual, financial, direction, and overcoming breakthrough and what I heard surprised me.  God wanted me to pick up an old thing I was going to drop during this fast because it has been so long in coming I just wasn't going to waste anymore time and energy on it.  I didn't hear this word but I guess it is what it comes down to: ENDURE.

Yesterday, as I was reading my morning scriptures, I read this: "No good thing does the Lord withhold from those who walk upright" (Ps. 84:11b).  When I read it, I paused there.  Circled back a few times, and underlined but I didn't really get what God was saying to me.  I just knew He was telling me something, which is why I underlined it and figured I'd at some point get it.  I got it: This fast will help me to walk upright.  So keep walking, endure.  The good thing(s) will come, He will not withhold it. I may be delayed, but probably only in my mind.  Regardless, it is not denied and ultimately it will be right on time.  Amen? AMEN!

Day 2: Receiving What you Need until You Get What You Want

Scripture: Psalm 81 (I'll begin there and read until I feel lead to stop)

Today's Menu:

Breakfast Smoothie (makes as about 36oz)

Measurements are approx.  I'm getting like my grandmother-making stuff to taste rather than by recipe....LOL!

• 1/2 cup unsweetened coconut milk
• 12 ice cubes
• 4 bananas
• cup of pineapples chunks in own (unsweetened) juice
• 3-4 heaping tbsp of Healthy Balance peanut butter

Barilla multi grain rotini tossed with steamed broccoli and Prego marinara sauce

I Matzo with peanut butter

nectarine

cashews

freeze dried apples or pears

raw carrots

Not sure about dinner but may try brown rice, black beans, and corn with string beans on side

I am trying to get at least 5 servings of fruit and vegetables in per day. I want to carry that habit away with me.  

Food that Made the Cut: There are food I plan on eating AFTER the fast...

I am about the smoothies with the coconut milk!  I'm gonna compare the coconut with the cow's milk and choose whichever gives me the best combination of nutrients

I am also to experiment with veggie smoothies next week, probably starting with carrots and orange juice...what else should I put in it?

multi grain pasta and prego marinara.  That is what's UP!! I do NOT eat pasta without some flesh whether it is beef, chicken, turkey, fish, shellfish but I can do this easily and toss in a few more veggies. I am gonna try to stay away from the parmigiana cheese because it tastes fine without it

Matzo--I've always loved it and would often go to the Hillel section of Yale's dining hall when all else failed for those huge flat crackers that could be topped with almost anything.  After the fast, I'll stick with the matzo but be able to add a few more toppings other than peanut butter

Healthy Balance Peanut Butter--don't need the sugar, so why buy something with it sugar added?!

Freeze dried apples and pears--tasty!

Receiving What You Need until You Get What You Want

We've made it through day 1 and had a wonderful Bible Study and consecration service afterwards! God's spirit was palpable...could you sense the assurance of breakthrough?  I feel like both we and God are pleased with this fast.  I am excited about doing it and have been looking forward to it, preparing for success by getting my food and kitchen ready to avoid temptation but last night I felt in very tangible ways that we are standing in the center of God's will on this one.  Change is inevitable, SOMETHING is about to break forth! All I know is--I want to be in the number!

The title of my blog is also the lesson God impressed upon my spirit yesterday.  The issue for me was not hunger for food, my hunger was satisfied.  It was the desire for certain tastes--a cookie, or piece of chocolate.  I didn't really want the broccoli or raw carrots (I'm not a big vegetable eater esp if it's not cooked with a little butter, smoked turkey or pork....) but it was what I needed.  I felt like God was challenging me by saying: Can you receive what you need...even appreciate it, even when it is not what you want?  

That's the initial challenge for me and maybe for you: God really breaking my will and me surrendering to His in the simplest of things so that God really guides every aspect of my life.  Normally choosing between broccoli and a cookie doesn't matter--I eat both or just the cookie because I am grown and I can afford it and I want it (how many things is THAT a rationale for?!) But now, "no cookies and eat your broccoli" and I am a child before my Father doing what he says because He is running this household.  Fasting is bring my "little" rebellions to the surface and it is not pretty.  Can I tell you that I am a little afraid of what is deeper down? But like silver in the refiner's fire, I am asking God to remove these impurities as they come to the surface.  

I am convinced of this...it is time to decide if we are going to do things God's way or continue with business as usual and I don't think God is tolerating much more of the usual business when we know better.  I know I am sick of the slip shop, mediocre, and petty getting in the way of Divine purpose and will.  I am tired of complaining audibly and silently about being inconvenienced and then asking God to do the impossible and weary of hearing it around me. Aren't you? I don't want to take His grace for granted, I don't want to miss this breakthrough over a cookie, an egg, or a chicken wing.  When this fast is over, I will not only eat physical meat but it is my heart's desire to feast on the meat of His word.  I am weary of the wilderness and am seeking the Promised Land!

So how was your first day?

Day 1 Here We Go!

Scripture: Psalm 80

Today's Menu:

I have packed this since today will be a LONG day at the church and will bring home whatever I don't eat

Breakfast Smoothie (Recipe makes about 26oz)

• 2 1/2 bananas
• 1/2 can unsweetened coconut milk
• 6 ice cubes
• 3/4 cup of pineapples in own juice, no sugar
• 2 frozen strawberries
• 1/3 cup frozen blueberries

1 serving steamed broccoli

1 serving raw carrots

2 rice cakes with Healthy Balance Peanut Butter

1 nectarine

1 pomegranate

1 pack freeze dried apples

1 pack freeze dried pears

handful of nuts

whole grain rotini and Prego marinara sauce (no sugar added!)

ANSWERS:

• You may eat dried fruit IF none of the forbidden items are included i.e. sugar, preservatives, artificial colors or flavors, etc.
• No teas or coffees (not herbal, organic, or decaffeinated--none)

Here We Go!

As you can see, I am trying to adopt a standard format for the blog to help us along.  I will post whatever my daily reading is, you are in no way obligated to read the same thing.  Right now I am smack in the middle of the Psalms and will continue through the fast.  Next, I give you my planned menu.  I will probably have about 8-12oz of a smoothie for breakfast and pack the rest to sip on during the day.  If I am working, I tend to pack a day's worth of food to avoid looking for a snack or meal.  Since I will be putting in long (LONG) hours between now and the Revival, I'll bring my main food to work and eat fruit or vegetables in the evening if I am hungry. Finally, I answer questions that have popped up on the blog on email.

Today, my focus is on getting very clear about about my prayer requests. So, I will spend time listening to hear what specific areas of breakthrough God is guiding me towards.  There are things I want, but what I want most of all is God's will in my life.  Can I confess to you that I really love Jesus with all my heart and already it seems like that love is growing deeper and more passionate?  I know some of you are thinking: Of course you really love Jesus, you're a minister.  That's true but what is also true is that ALL of us can get up in CHURCH and miss God. Amen, somebody! I want to press past people, their ideas, expectations, and demands and seek God first.  I want to hear from heaven, not just for y'all but for ME (no offense) because I believe that God can and wants to bless me not just for what I can do in the kingdom for someone else but for ME because He loves me, too.  And whereas I am standing in solidarity with the church and its members for breakthrough, I am going for broke for Raquel. I am going back to my first love which is not ministry but God. I just love Him!! So, I'm gonna end this entry on that note and just sit in His presence, listen for His voice and tell Him over and over again I love YOU! My God, I do!