Day 11: Time to Worship

Scripture: Psalm 107-???

Today's Menu:

More of the same....

Time to Worship

Yesterday, I needed a fasting helpline.  I was feeling so discouraged, tired, and sad.  There is nothing in me that wants to break the fast but I am battling the blues.  I pressed my way to revival last night and was glad I did but even that was a bit of a struggle. I am not thinking clearly STILL-walking out the door without keys to my truck, on my way down the stairs and cannot remember what I am going downstairs for, and the like.  Right now, I am looking at the glass of my life and concluding that it is half empty--NOT a good place.  I am right now in the middle of an internal temper tantrum in which I do not want to do anything, go anywhere, talk to anyone; I just want to pout and crawl back into bed.  But instead I will worship.

I think my flesh is dying.  It is crying for all it's old pleasures--food, TV, extra sleep, movies, simply running things based upon what it wants.  It does not like this deprivation, not one bit.  And it is so alone because my spirit refuses to loose it and my mind will not justify it's cravings.  Without these allies, it is powerless to rebel.  It can only grumble hoping one of the two will get on board, pity it, co-sign it's cravings.  It is starving now and no one is feeding it.  

Last night, my spirit came to life when the Dance Ministry ministered.  The atmosphere of worship did for me what nothing else--prayer, reading the Word, preaching could.  It lifted me.  It was like rain in a desert.  So I am playing one of my worship playlists on iTunes.  Soon I will stretch out on the floor and cry out in worship. If something has to die, well sorry flesh...it has to be you!  I've been praying; today I will just worship.  

Day 10: The Number of Divine Order

Scripture: Psalm 106

Today's Menu: Leftovers

Bean salad

Black beans, brown rice, mixed with tequila lime salsa

vegetarian chili

Banana, pineapple, and blueberry smoothie

Spaghetti squash and marinara sauce with sauteed mushrooms

Spinach sauteed in garlic and olive oil

Random nuts and fruit

(Ok I just listed everything in my fridge, I won't eat all of it!)

The Number of Divine Order

The first thing that hit me as I started to type this post is that today is day 10 and 10 is a significant spiritual number.  The number 10 signifies completion and perfection along with numbers 3, 7, and 12. Three is divine perfection (Trinity). Seven is spiritual perfection; when God completes a work (creation).  Twelve is governmental perfection (12 tribes, 12 disciples). However, 10 is the number of divine order. What is distinctive about 10 is that human beings MUST participate.  This one is not on God like the others.  This level of completion cannot be accomplished unless we participate with God, think 10 commandments--we have to obey.  

So on this 10th day of the fast, I reminded to remain strong and do my part.  There is a role I must play in my own breakthrough: fasting, praying, staying in the word, living out my fasting commitments of no TV.  Last night, I felt a cold coming on--my throat is scratchy; I have an annoying runny nose, and a headache that won't really go away.  I was feeling a little type of way (as opposed to just some type of way) because I have yet to hear God's voice or get a revelation or anything.  I haven't gotten the glory cloud or even that "sweet spot."  God is very near but still just out of reach.  And today, I really want to crawl into bed and just sleep but I will write the sermon, blog, journal, read the word. I want comfort food not the apple ice that is still untouched in the freezer (hmmm maybe it will sooth my throat) but I will fast.  I want to TV but I will listen to hymns and simply listen instead.  I have to overpower my "I want" with "I will" and "I must" so I can reach day 21 (3x7) which is the intersection of divine order and spiritual perfection. 

Yeah, I just got excited writing that!!!  That's the place I want to be because that is a powerful intersection.  It's a place where God takes over where I have left off from doing all I can so God can now do what only God can.  That's the kind of breakthrough I need.  One that extends beyond my ability to grant myself and God just steps in to do the exceeding, abundant, greater than I can think or imagine things.  I am expecting miracles of God and so I need to expect something from myself--obedience, faithfulness, discipline.  If I can live out my day 10's then I will be ready for day 3's, and 7's, and 12's when God moves.  I am convinced that God must make us into breakthrough people before we actually get a breakthrough--slaves cannot live in the Promised Land.  Day 10's gets us ready to accept God's move on the 21st.

It's day 10--what do you need to do?

Day 9: Fighting the Nibbles

Scripture: Psalm 103

Today's menu:

Black beans and brown rice with tequila lime salsa (no tequila used) with baked Tostitoes (YUM!)

Spinach sauteed with olive oil and garlic, seasoned to taste

Spaghetti squash with marinara sauce (sauteed mushrooms in olive oil and garlic and added to sauce), topped with peas

Pomegranate apple sauce

Fighting the Nibbles

It is barely 10am and I am already a bit stressed.  There is so much to do and so little time to do it.  And when I am stressed, I want to eat.  I just finished the black beans, rice, salsa and tostitoes but it was breakfast and I was hungry so I am safe on that one.  However, last night, I saw my stronghold clearly.  

I had come in from prayer meeting and stopped at the grocery store in search of a Boca burger and a few odds and ends.  I found it and began to read the label getting VERY excited until I saw "yeast extract".  Hoping to find a loophole, I called Rev to make ABSOLUTELY sure we could not have the yeast.  You know the answer....I am almost hung up on him.  This fast was now playing with my emotions!!  I was tired, hungry for something more filling and satisfying than these vegetables, fruit, and rice and left disappointed.  Once home, I began to cook for today and enjoyed myself because I actually love to cook.  And then I saw that emails had come through for the anniversary. Now it was great that people were responding with ads, but everything in me was screaming--do I EVER get some time off? I knew I had to take care of it then because today would be jammed pack. In that moment, with the thoughts traveling through my mind at warp speed of all I had to do before Sunday, I started looking around for something to put in my mouth. I needed a snack.  The nibbles were attacking!

During this fast I have clearly seen that the nibbles attack when I am stressed and tired.  I instinctively reach for something to eat.  I have to remind myself that just because I am snacking on fruit or a vegetable, it is still the nibbles if I am not hungry.  The nibbles are a stronghold.  Rev once defined a stronghold as a fortress of the mind, this intricate weaving of thoughts that produce an automatic behavioral response.  We know we are dealing with a stronghold when something happens and we respond in some negative way without even thinking.  Like Pavlov's dog, we drool simply because the bell has been rung.  In my case, if I were a robot and you pressed my stressed or tired button, my hand would reach for a snack.  

The Bible says that "We are not ignorant of Satan's device" (II Cor. 2:11). I am clearly seeing his subtle attack through the nibbles--the nibbles are to keep me from relying on God for my strength and comfort.  My instinct is to reach for food, not God.  The nibbles are blockers, trying to intercept a God opportunity in my life.  

So last night as I clicked on my gmail account to review the emails, I pulled up a chair, sat down with a sigh and a simple prayer, "Lord Jesus, PLEASE help me." Did what I had to do and went to bed--no snack needed.  Score: 1 for St. Clair  0 for the Nibbles.  

I am fighting the nibbles and you? What are you fighting? 

Day 7: Detailing

Scripture: Psalm 90-95

Today's Menu:

???

I think maybe a breakfast smoothie

Trying to find a vegetarian chili recipe

Detailing

Today I hide in my heart Psalm 94:19 and commend it to you: "When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul."

I went to bed very early last night.  I was tired and found myself dozing so decided why fight the feeling.  I ended up waking up at 2:20am with random anxious thoughts plaguing me.  The last several months have been the first time in my life that I have had difficulty sleeping through the night.  I lay in bed for a while listening and then praying, releasing the things that were troubling my mind to the Lord. Then I journalled. There is something about putting my thoughts to paper that allows me to truly release them in a way I cannot with simply verbal prayers.  But I am still awake....so I did a Wii Fit Body Test.  All I am saying is that there is room for improvement but this fast is really helping me get to where I need to be.

God is really clearing out a lot stuff in me and around me.  I mean that both physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  There is much in me to release to God:  sorrows that have broken my heart, disappointments that almost crushed my hope, wounds inflicted by friends, some "No's" to my prayers, the list continues....This is not a wash, it is a detailing job.  A slow, meticulous cleanse.  

I have not gotten that release/breakthrough/freeing feeling that comes with fasting and praying through.  I haven't reached my "sweet spot" of settling in and riding it out, yet.  I have not received any grand revelation or even a word that I recognize as such; just an abiding presence.  I feel God near me but still behind the veil.  I feel like I am moving through a cave of gauze.  I can see my way but the light is filtered, I have not made it into the sunlight yet.  And that is ok because I know that the exit to the cave is near. There is a press in my spirit that tells me to keep going.  I can't wait to see what the end will be!

Day 6: Sunday Thoughts

Scripture: Daniel 10:1-12

Today's menu:

???

Sunday Thoughts

As I am sitting in the den typing this blog, my head is absolutely killing me!  I am hungry but do not want anything that I am allowed to have and I am too drained to fix something....I am in a bad place.  I have been noticing that for many of you, the fast has gotten harder.  The first couple of days were relatively easy but around day 4 the cravings, hunger pangs, and headaches kicked in.  I know that I detoxing-the body is cleaning out the impurities now that is less work to do digesting meats, dairy, and complex carbs.  Someone posted a comment about not being happy.  I co-sign that.  You are not alone.  I feel an abiding peace and something holding me to this fast that will not let me go.  I know God is keeping me but ironically enough I have been feeling so lonely in the midst of this.  The reduction in food choices, no television, and the curtailing of conversation has made me a bit lonely for my old companions.  I enjoying my time with God but this is an adjustment.  All of my usual outlets are gone, it's me and Jesus and I am daily learning that God is enough.  

In the meantime, I am reminding myself that this is worth it.  That with each discomfort, I am pulling down a stronghold in my life and that God sees my sacrifice, knows I am serious because I am not looking for a corner to cut or an "out."  I am determined to get what I came for and know that some things only come with prayer AND fasting.

Today's sermon was powerful!  Wait.... on a side note, and this comment is not for the real HOLY people so stop reading if you can't take a joke....but at 11am did it feel like at points in the service, even the songs kinda slowed down?  I remember thinking at points: this beat should be faster and even when Rev and I recessed--it was casual stroll not a powerwalk! LOL! And then I thought, "Wow! We all must be really hungry!"  I bet some of you all enjoyed communion today more than you did in your whole life! LOL! Oh c'mon-you know you want to smile!

So back to the sermon--I took 2 things away from the message. The first is that I repented of the wrong turns I know I made.  It is difficult coming to grips with the fact that you are (I am) responsible for the delay of some things in my life.  I need to spend some time today just confessing and releasing those decisions and receiving God's forgiveness.  I pray that God will redeem the time and that I haven't missed certain opportunities because of my own poor choices.  

The second is that I must persevere.....I gotta keep going no matter how difficult this is.  And I have to keep going til I get what I am after not just until September 21st.  I am tired.  And I realize that I am more tired of the status quo of my life than I am of fasting.  I need change, not just want it.  I need it so that parts of me can truly live and flourish.  

Sorry for the delay in posting today.  Sundays are rough!  So expect to hear from me in the AM Monday through Saturday and the PM on Sundays!  I look forward to hearing from you!

Day 5: Linus is Losing Her Blanket

Scripture: Psalm 90-??

Today's Menu:

Sliced orange

Pistachios

1/2 bag freeze fried apples (leftovers from yesterday)

Strawberry or pomegranate applesauce (whichever I threw into my bag)

Spaghetti squash with marinara and peas

The spaghetti squash is a KEEPER.  I find myself moving away from the wheat products (pasta, matzo) peanut butter, and the rice cakes.  Lord, am moving towards a strict Daniel fast of fruit, vegetables, nuts, and rice?  I feel like I am being led away from anything "prepared" like I kinda have to start from scratch or get as close to the food's original state as I can.  

Linus Is Losing Her Blanket

You remember him, the Peanuts character who although he was amazingly intelligent and theological in his thinking, often quoting the Gospels and offering philosophical insights, would often be seen sucking his thumb and carrying his blanket.  The lose of his blanket brought on withdrawal symptoms--shakes, anxiety, sweating, and the like--similar to a detoxing drug addict.  There is one episode where Lucy actually tries to separate Linus and his blanket, but it didn't work.  Linus freaks out so bad, digging up the entire neighborhood to find it, that even Snoopy (who often tries to steal the blanket himself) feels bad for him and digs for the blanket, too.  

I feel a little like Linus. The challenge of this fast has not been so much the limiting of food but breaking my core reliance on it for comfort.  It's my security blanket.  I feel myself instinctively grabbing for a snack when my stress levels rise or I am overwhelmed, frustrated, or simply tired.  I have become more aware of it on this fast and convicted of it.  I can't just eat mindlessly and justify it by saying, "But the sheet says I can have it."  That is not the point of a fast.  I am realizing that breakthrough will come as I break through some idolatrous patterns of behavior. Yes, food is an idol.  When I am eating my stress instead of seeking God to relieve it, it's an idol. 

Food should be used for nourishment, even enjoyment but not a security blanket. God is my refuge and strength.  Like Linus sucking his thumb, I have often popped something in my mouth to soothe myself or kept food around me, just in case, feeling secure in that if everything else fails at least I can count on my Snickers bar!  During this fast, God is burying my blanket, not in the backyard but in the grave with Jesus.  My challenge is to enjoy food, be grateful for it, but keep it in its proper place.  In my times of stress, my default mode should be to seek God and not another snack. This Linus is working on losing her blanket!  What are you working on losing?

Day 4:Take Your Exit

Scripture: Psalm 86

Today's Menu:

Banana smoothie (remainder of Wednesday's recipe)

spaghetti squash with marinara sauce, peas, and capers

freeze dried apples

nectarine

pistachios (yum!)

pomegranate

raw carrots

Take Your Exit

Day 3 was a tough one. It seems we are in agreement on that.  I was hungrier and very sluggish.  Around 3:30/4pm my brain just shut off.  I have had a hard time maintaining my focus.  It has also been hard to find the time I want to spend with the Lord.  I'm hungrier for Him and really want an additional hour in the morning to just pray, listen, and journal.  It looks like I will have to get up earlier next week-5:30am.  I was hoping for 6:30 wake ups but no matter what it always goes back to 5:00 or 5:30am.  

I don't have anything insightful to say except: No testing has overtaken you that is not common to everyone. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it (I Cor. 10:13). We are all going to be tried during this fast--tempted to eat something or act in ways in appropriate for where we are going.  We will also be tried when God reveals things to us that are in us and are not so pretty.  We will have to decide whether we will ignore it or confess it, repent of it, and change it.  So just keep going!  I already feel like it is worth the sacrifice.  Just remember to take your exit.  When God makes a way of escape, jump on it IMMEDIATELY.  Do not travel down the road any further.  TAKE YOUR EXIT because the next one may be too far to take before you fall!  Blessings!

Day 3: Going Deeper

Scripture: Psalm85-??

Today's Menu:

Orange juice

brown rice and black beans

steamed broccoli

raw carrots

pink lady apple

pomegranate apple sauce

pomegranate

almonds

freeze dried pears

Going Deeper

I am working through Jentezen Franklin's books, Fasting and Fasting Journal.  Today, it challenges me to discern what lessons God wants me to learn about endurance and asks: what dreams are in your heart that only God can make possible?  These will be the topics of devotion and journalling but here are my surface thoughts, into which I will probe deeper during my time with God.  

God is teaching me that endurance pays off.  There are some things for which I have been asking God to do for DECADES.  This fast is a personal challenge to believe and hope again enough to sacrifice and seek and by faith declare in my actions, attitudes, and words that delayed does not mean denied.  Endurance for me means believing that God is not playing with me or teasing me.  There are some things that I do not know God's answers for.  I am waiting to hear about those.  But there are some things for which I KNOW I heard him but it has been so long so I begin to think I was wrong.  And yet, during this time of fasting and even a few days before it while I was preparing for it and getting my mind right, they began to bubble up from inside of me again.  

At first, I was excited and then a bit hesitant.  I hate disappointment.  I hate expecting and it not coming through.  I have had too many disappointments in these areas and wondered if it was worth it to endure or maybe....endure the fast for a different set of petitions and leave the old ones alone.  You follow me? I'd do the fast even with a glad heart but just for something else.  Then I knelt at the back of the sanctuary during the consecration service altar call to settle in on my requests for spiritual, financial, direction, and overcoming breakthrough and what I heard surprised me.  God wanted me to pick up an old thing I was going to drop during this fast because it has been so long in coming I just wasn't going to waste anymore time and energy on it.  I didn't hear this word but I guess it is what it comes down to: ENDURE.

Yesterday, as I was reading my morning scriptures, I read this: "No good thing does the Lord withhold from those who walk upright" (Ps. 84:11b).  When I read it, I paused there.  Circled back a few times, and underlined but I didn't really get what God was saying to me.  I just knew He was telling me something, which is why I underlined it and figured I'd at some point get it.  I got it: This fast will help me to walk upright.  So keep walking, endure.  The good thing(s) will come, He will not withhold it. I may be delayed, but probably only in my mind.  Regardless, it is not denied and ultimately it will be right on time.  Amen? AMEN!

Day 2: Receiving What you Need until You Get What You Want

Scripture: Psalm 81 (I'll begin there and read until I feel lead to stop)

Today's Menu:

Breakfast Smoothie (makes as about 36oz)

Measurements are approx.  I'm getting like my grandmother-making stuff to taste rather than by recipe....LOL!

• 1/2 cup unsweetened coconut milk
• 12 ice cubes
• 4 bananas
• cup of pineapples chunks in own (unsweetened) juice
• 3-4 heaping tbsp of Healthy Balance peanut butter

Barilla multi grain rotini tossed with steamed broccoli and Prego marinara sauce

I Matzo with peanut butter

nectarine

cashews

freeze dried apples or pears

raw carrots

Not sure about dinner but may try brown rice, black beans, and corn with string beans on side

I am trying to get at least 5 servings of fruit and vegetables in per day. I want to carry that habit away with me.  

Food that Made the Cut: There are food I plan on eating AFTER the fast...

I am about the smoothies with the coconut milk!  I'm gonna compare the coconut with the cow's milk and choose whichever gives me the best combination of nutrients

I am also to experiment with veggie smoothies next week, probably starting with carrots and orange juice...what else should I put in it?

multi grain pasta and prego marinara.  That is what's UP!! I do NOT eat pasta without some flesh whether it is beef, chicken, turkey, fish, shellfish but I can do this easily and toss in a few more veggies. I am gonna try to stay away from the parmigiana cheese because it tastes fine without it

Matzo--I've always loved it and would often go to the Hillel section of Yale's dining hall when all else failed for those huge flat crackers that could be topped with almost anything.  After the fast, I'll stick with the matzo but be able to add a few more toppings other than peanut butter

Healthy Balance Peanut Butter--don't need the sugar, so why buy something with it sugar added?!

Freeze dried apples and pears--tasty!

Receiving What You Need until You Get What You Want

We've made it through day 1 and had a wonderful Bible Study and consecration service afterwards! God's spirit was palpable...could you sense the assurance of breakthrough?  I feel like both we and God are pleased with this fast.  I am excited about doing it and have been looking forward to it, preparing for success by getting my food and kitchen ready to avoid temptation but last night I felt in very tangible ways that we are standing in the center of God's will on this one.  Change is inevitable, SOMETHING is about to break forth! All I know is--I want to be in the number!

The title of my blog is also the lesson God impressed upon my spirit yesterday.  The issue for me was not hunger for food, my hunger was satisfied.  It was the desire for certain tastes--a cookie, or piece of chocolate.  I didn't really want the broccoli or raw carrots (I'm not a big vegetable eater esp if it's not cooked with a little butter, smoked turkey or pork....) but it was what I needed.  I felt like God was challenging me by saying: Can you receive what you need...even appreciate it, even when it is not what you want?  

That's the initial challenge for me and maybe for you: God really breaking my will and me surrendering to His in the simplest of things so that God really guides every aspect of my life.  Normally choosing between broccoli and a cookie doesn't matter--I eat both or just the cookie because I am grown and I can afford it and I want it (how many things is THAT a rationale for?!) But now, "no cookies and eat your broccoli" and I am a child before my Father doing what he says because He is running this household.  Fasting is bring my "little" rebellions to the surface and it is not pretty.  Can I tell you that I am a little afraid of what is deeper down? But like silver in the refiner's fire, I am asking God to remove these impurities as they come to the surface.  

I am convinced of this...it is time to decide if we are going to do things God's way or continue with business as usual and I don't think God is tolerating much more of the usual business when we know better.  I know I am sick of the slip shop, mediocre, and petty getting in the way of Divine purpose and will.  I am tired of complaining audibly and silently about being inconvenienced and then asking God to do the impossible and weary of hearing it around me. Aren't you? I don't want to take His grace for granted, I don't want to miss this breakthrough over a cookie, an egg, or a chicken wing.  When this fast is over, I will not only eat physical meat but it is my heart's desire to feast on the meat of His word.  I am weary of the wilderness and am seeking the Promised Land!

So how was your first day?