Morning: Ezekiel 7-9
Evening: Romans 4-6
The Weakest Links
It seems that God wants to get to the heart of the matter and God isn't pulling any punches with me. This Lent, God called me to a fast that GREATLY impacted my eating and spending, my two greatest weaknesses. They are my defaults and to be honest, sometimes my idols. I wrestle with these two things like the Israelites went between the Baals and Asherahs.
Here's what I mean. Eating is guaranteed pleasure and (temporary) stress relief for me. I can grab a burger, snickers, fries, ice cream and immediately bring joy to my life. And then, if they don't work, I can pray...sound familiar?
Of course, all of my snacks and eating out come with a price tag. It is the start of a vicious cycle that I have been struggling to break: eating for pleasure not sustenance whether it is to mitigate a celibate lifestyle, relieve personal or professional stress, stay awake, fight boredom, keep me company, act as my primary form of socializing which means more money spent on snacks, take out, eating out which means more calories and more pounds which undoes my hard work at the gym (that I've paid for) and has also meant buying MORE clothes and even shoes because I am too big or uncomfortable to fit in the ones I have which causes me to eat more, because I feel defeated, sad, and like it doesn't make a difference. Spending and eating go hand and hand with me so there is no surprise that with a financial fast at the church, God has called a food fast in my heart.
The good news is that I have not spiraled out of control as in times past. I am slowly making progress but this time, I feel like God wants to kill some giants in my life at last. This does not mean that I will not eat delicious food or junk food or go out to eat (I am a foodie:-) nor does it mean that I will never buy non-essential items. What it does mean is that these giants will no longer rule me, make me lose control. I will control my eating and I will control my spending.
This fast is making me depend on God in these areas. God already gets about 20% of my money but now it is time to really surrender to His wisdom and will for the remaining 80% and quit allowing my emotions, my whims, and my wants put me in debt. It is time to pause for a quick prayer during difficult times rather than grabbing for something to stuff my face. It is time to quit lying to myself and saying this isn't a problem because my clothes size is barely in the double digits and my credit is excellence. My heart knows the truth even if the world does not. I am dethroning some idols, killing some giants, praising down some walls, one day at a time. I know in my heart that "the Lord has promised good to me" and I do not want to be the hold up to my own blessings because each day of obedience means that I am one day closer to receiving them!
Here it is day 3 and I have not gotten it together on this fast. I have been to McDonald's more in the last three days than in the last 3 months. I went to ShopRite instead of going to McDonalds and spent $28.00 and still went to McDonald's because I was still hungry. I am totally out of control. There is something going on in the inside I can feel it. My spirit is rebelling. I have not been able to sleep and everything annoys me. I have eaten 2 gallons of Edys ice cream and 1 box of donuts. I have tried praying and reading the bible. Nothing is working. I tithe beyond my 10% and give liberally at church and to others. I really need to do this. I need God to help me manage the residuary. I like spending money. I went to the mall and didn't buy anything. I came home and was sick. Pure withdrawal. My relatives that go to St. James are doing the fast. They are no help. It is not a problem because they are very thrifty anyway. Living on cash only is so frightening. I am terrified. God has been good to me especially financially. Will this fast make me stingy and cheap. I don't usually carry more than $20.00 cash but I have money on my debit card which is connected to my bank account. Not being able to use my plastic. I truly am in crisis.
ReplyDeleteHi Miklal,
ReplyDeleteRelax and take it a day at a time. This will not make you stingy. Just start with God and invite Him into your daily small financial decisions. Decide how much money you need for the week and give it to yourself as an allowance. Make it a game and see if you complete the week with something left. Take a moment, step back and make a list of the potential hurdles you will face during this fast, then pray and ask God for guidance on how to overcome-beat the devil before he has a chance to cause you to stumble. Focus on the positive--what you will GAIN from this fast rather than what you are giving up. Eating out and mall shopping are not treats if it means eating dog food during your retirement. Really examine whether some of your "de-stressors" are really causing stress in the long run by building debt and eating away at your financial dreams. Ask God to put these things in proper perspective so you don't view stumbling blocks as treats. That way when you "give them up" you aren't sacrificing you are actually gaining!