Day 11: Prepared

Scripture: I Corinthians 4-6

Prepared

I am sitting in the ICU waiting area after a long night of remaining at my grandfather's bedside. I am tired, my body aches. I have been craving a cheeseburger and french fries since I got here yesterday morning. It is the stress, the desire to eat something pleasant to relax me or just a craving for protein to strengthen me. I have thought to myself more than once-this is not a good time to be fasting, I need to (want to?) eat. But it is my mind and not really my body or spirit that craves this natural food, so I am hanging in there.

I have wanted to break this fast in particular several times now. It is harder than any one I have ever done-harder on my mind, my body, my spirit. I am very clear that I heard the Lord on this one and yet from the first day, I have struggled in ways I never have when the Lord has led me to fast. I believe my friend was correct when she said that for some reason this fast has put me on the front line.

These past several fasts have taught me a thing or two, even some things that I wish I did not have to learn. One lesson in particular is this: fasting (and prayer) do not always prevent bad things from happening, they just prepare you to deal with them. Fact of the matter is that I do not know what lies ahead or what else I will have to face during this fast. But of this, I am sure-I will not have to face anything alone.

After I got the call from my aunt about my grandfather's hospitalization, I received a text from a friend who had no idea what was happening. It simply read: Dt. 31:8 and there I found these words: "It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."

I am reminded today that in this life, there will be things that we must face, endure, encounter. We are not exempted because of our faith in Christ and these things are not always the things we would prefer or even pray for. But I trust that if they come our way, we are always prepared through Christ to face them for "it is the Lord who goes before [us]."

Day 10: Another Storm

Scripture: I Corinthians 1-3

Another Storm

This winter it has decided to snow...a lot! Either we are hearing of storms coming or actually getting them. These last storms have been a convergence of storms creating massive snowfalls. Perhaps our weather is a physical indicator of your spiritual or personal life. For some reason, you keep finding yourself dumped on by life's storms. You are in a storm or receiving reports of a storm or you are dealing with multiple storms that converge over your life and yet, you still have somewhere to go.

This is how I felt this morning when I had to take my cousin to the airport. It is a mess out there especially in the wee hours of the morning (3:30am). The roads were covered with snow and the wind was blowing so hard that the snow was blowing sideways. On the way, I tried to drive in the places other cars had passed to maximize my tires' traction. In some places that worked but in others, I was on my own. I got onto to 78 thinking it would be in better shape than the local roads and I was mistaken. However, after traveling a little on the highway, I saw a snowplow. I was able to get behind it for a mile or two. It was great because it cleared out the snow and salted in front of me. It cleared my path as I drove.

I thought...this is like God. God does not always prevent the storms from coming or allow us to remain stagnant even when they do come. We still have places to go. But what God will do is go before us and prepare the way. The path may not be cleared for miles but just enough for us to take the next step, to go by faith based on the little we see.

My driving conditions were far from ideal this morning. I would not have ventured out if I did not have to. But what I experienced was that there was always something to help me get to my destination--a snowplow, tracks in the road, a cleared stretch of the road, etc. I had to be watchful, careful, travel at a slower speed, but I made it. I didn't get stuck. There was no accident. Another storm but I got to where I was going.

So remember this when storms blow through your life. Your pace may slow down, you may have to be more watchful, diligent but if you get behind God and go where God leads, you can make it, too!

Day 8: Are You Ready to Fly Yet?

Scripture: Romans 14-16

Are Your Ready to Fly Yet?

We have completed the first week of this fast. How did you do? Are you still hanging in there? The first week is always the hardest for me. I catch my rhythm around day 5-6 of an extended fast. I have gotten some major hurdles under my belt and am resting in the peace of God, confident that this fast is what I am called to do in this season.

Right now, I am sitting in a plane, typing feverishly to finish this entry although I will not be able to upload it for a few hours. There is a little girl traveling with her parents across the aisle from me. She just asked them, "Are we ready to fly yet?" I wonder if God is asking us the same thing-are we ready to fly?

I think fasting prepares us to fly. It relieves us of the extra baggage, weight, and even sin that besets us. It makes us light enough to fly and ascend to the places God has for us. I don't know about you, but I want to be ready to fly when this fast is over, to go to the places God has prepared for me. So with each meal that I sacrifice and each purchase I deny myself, I am refraining from adding extra "weight" so that I am light for my journey.

My plane is about to take off. We are ready to fly. Are you?

Day 7: Peace Like a River

Romans 12-13

Peace Like a River

My best friend always remarks about how she is amazed at my clarity. Truth is- I must get clear. I HATE being confused. Actually "hate" isn't even strong enough to describe how much I abhor, loathe, despise being confused. It angers me. So when I don't "get it," I am in turmoil. For me it is not a matter of not having the answer or having figured things out, but not knowing how to look at things or having the right perspective. I can walk by faith, in the dark, as long as I have a sense of which way I am to step. I can deal with uncertainty and questions, but I need God to show me how to look at the situation; to give me a lens through which to view my world.

I remember when I was completing my dissertation. I was a week away from a deadline could make or break my academic career and it did not look good. I remember sitting on living room floor among a pile of books and papers and saying to God, "I need to know what YOU say about this situation. I know what my advisor says, my committee says, but what do YOU say? I thought this degree was a part of Your plan for my life. Did I miss it, mess it up? Was I not supposed to work at the church and devote myself to this degree, because I thought You called to me St. James." So I sat on the floor amid my books and papers and asked God to give me a word. God led me to two scriptures: Zephaniah 3:15, "The Lord has taken away the judgments against you, he has turned away your enemies. The king of Israel, the Lord, is your midst, you shall fear disaster no more." And Hebrews 6:10, "For God is not unjust, he will not overlook your work and the love that showed for his sake in serving the saints, as you still do." I knew what God was saying and I was at peace. I did not know how God would work out my situation but I was at peace.

And today, I have peace like a river "attending my way." So whatever my lot, I will say--"it is well, it is well with my soul!"

Day 6: New Morning, New Mercies

Scripture: Romans 9-11

New Morning, New Mercies

Although by nature I am a night owl, I love the early mornings. I love the promise of each new day and the feeling of all things being made new. I am comforted by the Genesis 1 story of creation. You will notice that at the completion of each new day it says, "evening and morning" not "morning and evening." I read once that for God, the day begins when the sun goes down. In other words, when humans rest, God goes to work, The same sentiment is expressed in Psalm 127:2 which is usually translated:"for he gives sleep to his beloved." However, I also like the alternate translation of that verse: "He provides for his beloved during sleep." So in those morning hours, in the quiet moments before the world wakes up, I sit wondering what God has been working on and what He will provide today.

Yes, God will provide so we can let go of the financial stress that encumbers us. We can release the "what if's" and walk by faith in full assurance that when we get to the need, God will provide. We can relax during this financial fast because we are not dealing with lack, only disciplined spending and habits. There is more than enough, God provides. Because while we slept, God went to work and provided for us while we rested. So think of today as an opportunity to see what God has been up to!

Day 5: Landmarks Needed

Scripture: Romans 8

Landmarks Needed

The first few days of a fast hit me hard. I am trying to work my way out of this initial fasting slump-low energy, low joy. Honestly, I feel a bit vulnerable because I feel like I can't take too much without food or spending. Lol! Of course, I know that I can do all things through Christ but I feel the loss of the two things that bring instant relief--God sometimes takes a bit longer (smile). I have been wrestling with some things and listening to hear from God. So far, He has said nothing. I am praying that God will speak to me this week and encourage my heart. I need a landmark. Here's what I mean...

One day, I was given directions to a cabin in the Poconos where I was to spend a weekend away with some friends. I was driving alone and late at night. Once I got of the interstate, the road were long, windy and dark. However, the friend who gave the directions also gave e some landmarks. So as I was driving down these unfamiliar roads, I would see the gas station or pizza place or bakery she mentioned. It was always a relief because after a while of being on an unfamiliar road, I began to doubt that I was heading in the right direction. Once I saw the landmark, I relaxed because even though I had not reached my destination, I knew I was on the right track.

I am asking God to send me a landmark this week. That is my prayer. I have been on a fasting frenzy, it seem, since September and I just don't know about some things. So I need God to speak or at least give me a landmark to let me know I am heading in the right direction so I can remain faithful. I believe I am close to the breakthrough, too much happening to try to discourage me. But one thing I know, is that when God speaks to me, all doubts disappear and I can go on a word. That's all I need is a word/landmark to appear on this stretch of the road.

Speak, Lord, Your servant is listening...

Day 4: One Day at a Time

Scripture Reading: Ezekiel 10-13

One Day at a Time

Well, the hunger headaches have passed and so I feel much better. I am trying to remain positive and encourage myself in the Lord. The beginning of a long fast is always a little daunting once I begin it. So I am trying to focus on one day at a time. Perhaps, I need to do that more often.

I often begin with the end in mind, which is helpful in navigating my way and reaching a goal. However, it is sometimes not so great when trying to obey God. I often feel like that a traveller lost in Maine who asks for directions to their destination and the local response is, "You can't get there from here." When following God, I can know what the promise is but the way to it is so twisty, turny and with so many seemingly dead ends that I feel like I can't get there from here. So, I have resolved to take it a day at a time and not give up. I can get there-wherever God has promised if I just follow. I trust that God knows the way.

Day 3: The Weakest Links

Scripture Readings

Morning: Ezekiel 7-9

Evening: Romans 4-6

The Weakest Links

It seems that God wants to get to the heart of the matter and God isn't pulling any punches with me. This Lent, God called me to a fast that GREATLY impacted my eating and spending, my two greatest weaknesses. They are my defaults and to be honest, sometimes my idols. I wrestle with these two things like the Israelites went between the Baals and Asherahs.

Here's what I mean. Eating is guaranteed pleasure and (temporary) stress relief for me. I can grab a burger, snickers, fries, ice cream and immediately bring joy to my life. And then, if they don't work, I can pray...sound familiar?

Of course, all of my snacks and eating out come with a price tag. It is the start of a vicious cycle that I have been struggling to break: eating for pleasure not sustenance whether it is to mitigate a celibate lifestyle, relieve personal or professional stress, stay awake, fight boredom, keep me company, act as my primary form of socializing which means more money spent on snacks, take out, eating out which means more calories and more pounds which undoes my hard work at the gym (that I've paid for) and has also meant buying MORE clothes and even shoes because I am too big or uncomfortable to fit in the ones I have which causes me to eat more, because I feel defeated, sad, and like it doesn't make a difference. Spending and eating go hand and hand with me so there is no surprise that with a financial fast at the church, God has called a food fast in my heart.

The good news is that I have not spiraled out of control as in times past. I am slowly making progress but this time, I feel like God wants to kill some giants in my life at last. This does not mean that I will not eat delicious food or junk food or go out to eat (I am a foodie:-) nor does it mean that I will never buy non-essential items. What it does mean is that these giants will no longer rule me, make me lose control. I will control my eating and I will control my spending.

This fast is making me depend on God in these areas. God already gets about 20% of my money but now it is time to really surrender to His wisdom and will for the remaining 80% and quit allowing my emotions, my whims, and my wants put me in debt. It is time to pause for a quick prayer during difficult times rather than grabbing for something to stuff my face. It is time to quit lying to myself and saying this isn't a problem because my clothes size is barely in the double digits and my credit is excellence. My heart knows the truth even if the world does not. I am dethroning some idols, killing some giants, praising down some walls, one day at a time. I know in my heart that "the Lord has promised good to me" and I do not want to be the hold up to my own blessings because each day of obedience means that I am one day closer to receiving them!

Day 2: Paying with Cash Hurts

Scripture: Ezekiel 4-6

Paying With Cash Hurts

I am learning to undo some habits and that is not so easy. I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things for my fast and was VERY hungry. I popped open the fruit juice and drank it while finishing my shopping. By the time I got to the register, I realized that I didn't have any cash. I paid for the juice with the last $5 in my purse and left the other groceries there. It wasn't much and they didn't have everything I needed, so it was no big deal. I later went to the bank to withdraw some money-I didn't want to because paying with cash hurts.

Paying with cash, the actual paper and metal money really makes a difference. We can FEEL how much we spend. Plastic anesthetizes us. It delays the inevitable--figuring out where the money is coming from to pay the bill. Even with debit cards, we are quicker to spend than with the money coming directly from our hands. When I withdrew the money from my account, I kinda panicked. The amount of cash on hand set a REAL spending limit. No credit card back up, if I mismanage these dollars, I do without the rest of week. This is a habit I am going to continue after the fast--my allowance will be withdrawn once a week and that money will be for some particular things. Once it is gone, it is gone-so if I want that $50 dinner with friends, I better eat whatever is in the fridge/freezer for the rest of the week. And if I want something that exceeds my allowance, I have to have some money left from the week before to add to it.

So, tomorrow's task is to update my quicken file and see how much money I can allot myself for incidentals/personal items (a lot of which will be saved during this fast since I am only spending on necessities). How are you coming along?

Day 1: Ash Wednesday Thoughts

Morning Scripture: Ezekiel 1-3

Evening Scripture: Romans 1-3

Ash Wednesday Thoughts

Another Lenten Season is here. I am amazingly excited. God is up to something. Actually, I have been excited for the past three fasts that we have done as a church family. There is something about the discipline that helps to order my life. I am blessed to have felt led to these fasts. Let me explain.

Some fasts (like the 2 Daniel fasts) are called and we do in obedience to the spiritual leadership that calls us to them. As we mature in faith we can follow even when we do not feel like it. That means that sometimes God will speak to the Pastor concerning the direction of the church and the need to fast and be on one accord; to seek God so that we can be ready. We do not have to "feel" these fasts because God doesn't have to speak directly to us if God has spoken to us through the Pastor. It is our task to simply be obedient and follow with a willing spirit. We must resist the urge to be arrogant, thinking that God first has to tell us everything He tells the Pastor and if we don't like it, feel like it, don't understand why, then we don't do it. That is precisely why we have a Pastor, to provide us spiritual direction and communicate to us God's will for us a His people.

Other fasts, God leads us to do, like this financial fast. If we sense God telling us to fast in this way, then we do it. Otherwise, it isn't for us. During this season I have felt led to this fast as well as another involving a sacrifice of food. I will do both for 40 days. Jantezen Franklin, in his book Fasting, notes that 40 day fasts are "dominion fasts." They are used by God to usher us into a new place or season, to permanently destroy yokes, to do a transforming work that transitions us to a new place or to establish purpose and destiny. I feel this shift occurring in my own life. God is making things brand new and I cannot wait to see the totality of what God is doing. It is worth the sacrifice to me.

I have set aside 3 times/day for prayer over some very specific requests. I have determined what scriptures I will read during my morning and evening devotion times. during my afternoon time, I will work through Michelle Singletary's 21 Days to Prosperity, which is the book that goes along with a 21 day financial fast and I will read 40 Days to a More Generous Life. I have a plan (smile) and pray for the strength, will, and discipline to stick to it.

I am expecting great things from a great God. I declare that it is my season! I feel it, I know it, and now I am preparing to walk in it! I look forward to sharing this journey with you!

Day 21: Finish Strong

Scripture: II Samuel 1-5

Today’s Menu: Today I am traveling. I packed some triscuits and peach applesauce for the flight but was really hungry by the time I got to the airport so I ate it already…smh

Finish Strong

It’s 7:21am and I am sitting in Newark Airport waiting for my flight to board. I had packed a little baggie of Daniel snacks for my flight and as I was munching (ok, devouring) the triscuits and peach applesauce, I realized—today is day 21! It is the last day of the fast and I have to admit that I am feeling so many emotions.

First, I am excited! We made it and that is worthy of celebration. This fast was a tough one for me, especially the past few days. However, this fast reminds me that even the tough things are just for a season and sometimes you just have to plod your way through day after day, moment after moment not forgetting that it will pass. There has been a joy in the spirit during the past couple days. Out of nowhere, my spirit just gets happy, like it knows a secret. My spirit leaps with joy as if it is expecting something wonderful and I hope and pray that whatever it is, it will come soon.

Second, I am grateful. I know that God is the One who has sustained us and I am thankful for this walk with Him. I am grateful for the ways I am getting to know God and especially myself. I am grateful that I am changing, and growing, and surrendering at new levels. I am grateful that there is such depths and heights to this relationship that I am privileged to experience. I am grateful that God longs for my company and I am hungering for God’s.

Finally, I am a little anxious. I want to continue the habits I have developed during this fast. I am even looking forward to Lent. My plan is to ease out of this fast and not try to eat up everything I have missed but to listen to my body and go slow. I know it will be ok if I just maintain my daily disciplines and continue to listen to God in the details.

I have enjoyed this journey with you all. It has been my pleasure and although I do not know what type of fast or spiritual discipline we will be called to for Lent, I will be blogging through those 40 days. See you online on February 17^th!

Well, it's the last day. So finish strong!

Day 20: Have You Changed Your Mind?

Scripture: I Samuel 25-31

Today's Menu: Spinach artichoke pasta and vegetable dumplings (wholefoods food bar)

Olive tortillas

nuts and raisins

melons, strawberries, pineapples

Have You Changed Your Mind?

I like what Daniel does for my body. I don't feel so heavy and bloated. I am getting tired of the food so I am allowing myself to get hungry before eating and then eat only enough to satisfy the hunger. I don't overeat as much because now I am eating to live rather than living to eat. I am not sure how this will play out once food becomes a full sensory experience for me. I am a foodie. I love a good meal full of flavor, appealing to the eye and aromatic. So, I am prayerfully trying to figure out how to break fast and not undo all Daniel has done for me. I have to get my mind right.

After the last fast, I didn't have a taste for dairy, breads/pastas, or much meat. I stopped craving my old favorites, especially Italian food-I didn't want the pasta, cheeses and sauces I used to love. I had changed but my mind hadn't. It kept telling me that I should want it, I always wanted it, this is who I was and what I liked until it forced my stomach to go back to something it did not desire out of habit. My body had changed but my mind hadn't....sound familiar?

What I described above is the challenge of post fast living. It not only affects us physically but spiritually and mentally. Once the structure and rigor of Daniel is over, we will have to figure our how to live with freedom but not let this freedom become our undoing. So many of us are waiting anxiously for Saturday, to return to our old favorites, to the things that we gave up during this season. But, God has changed us during this fast which means there will be some things we should not go back to and some things that we will have simply lost our desire for. Therefore, if we haven't renewed our minds and accepted these changes, we will be forcing ourselves back into broken habits and bondage that really don't satisfy us, like I was trying to force myself into really liking the cheese manicotti at Olive Garden. It was an old favorite but it wasn't fitting the cravings of my new, cleaned out, post-Daniel body.

I kept pushing myself to eat like I did before, to like what I did before as if there was something wrong with not wanting all the added sugars in my food, reading labels to see the stuff I was ingesting, or not eating as much milk, cheese, meat, and starches. What my body wanted was the steamed broccoli or salad with my burger, not the fries; it liked how it felt after eating fruit instead of cakes and candy. I am not saying that I will never eat fries or sweets, but I was eating them out of an old habit rather than it being something I really wanted. I did it because it was what I used to do and therefore I equated it with who I was without really realizing that my body had changed. By the time December came, I was out of control and about 2 cheeseburgers away from needing new clothes.

This time, I am taking these last few fast days to get my mind right and think about how I will break fast and live during non-fasting seasons. I see tofu in my future and meals that have more vegetables than meat and starch. My goal is to actually get in the 6 servings of fruit and vegetables a day, to snack healthy, to make my meat choices primarily poultry and fish. When I do eat food with added sugar, I will look for natural sweeteners like fruit juices, agave syrup, honey, brown sugars, etc. I will strive to eat to live not live to eat. But I gotta let this fast change my mind; my mind has to change along with my body. So what about you, have you changed your mind during fast?

Day 19: Hold On

Scripture: I Samuel 25-31

Today's Menu: Right now I am eating triscuits. Not sure where it will go from here...

Hold On

We only have a few days left and they seem to be the HARDEST days of this fast for me. I started off pretty strong with not many cravings. I was actually glad to be back on Daniel if only to rectify my wayward eating. This is so different than the last fast. I did 40 days hard and the last three days on water. I would like to believe that I am on the brink of crossing over and that God is going to move on my behalf quickly. So I am going to hold on-that's what one of the saints told me today at noonday. She said that she didn't know what I am waiting for but that this delay is not a denial. God's just been telling me to wait, so hold on. I had another sister tell me that I was in the right place, keep doing what I am doing because God will do what He said. I pray this is so, that this is the whole "darkest moment is just before day" because despite all this encouragement, my spirit has tanked!

When I feel like this, I sometimes have to look beyond myself and what I am believing God for and remember someone that I love and what THEY need from God. Sometimes, I can hold on better for someone else than I can for myself. This morning I was thinking about Rev. Watley. As the Executive Minister, I know of the sacrifices he makes and the burdens of ministry he carries that others will never know. I know about how we benefit from his labor and faithfulness and sacrifice and how ministry can cost someone more than others can imagine. And that he pays it willingly even among complaining, nitpicking people who will eagerly sop up the word while tearing down the messenger. So, even when I feel like my situation looks bleak, I hold on for him and others who really deserve a break and a breakthrough. I don't want to be part of the load they have to carry, I want to shoulder my fair share. So, I'll nibble my triscuits, and munch on a few nuts, drink plenty of water and before you know it Saturday will be here and who knows what else we will find there besides all the food we left behind!

Day 18: Wide Open

Scripture: I Samuel 20

Today's Menu: Not sure...probably some fruit, gnocchi in marinara sauce with broccoli and mushrooms. I have left over black beans and brown rice, some sauteed onions, peppers, and mushrooms, steamed broccoli and baked tostitoes...

Wide Open

Well, I'm back after a long weekend sans blogging. I hope you are all doing well and hanging in there. If you fell off the wagon, hop back on. We are in the home stretch and I concur with so many of you, this fast has been very different than the last one. Perhaps, more challenging as it seems that God has been doing open heart surgery and going deep into us. I keep hearing the repeated refrain of people feeling "wide open." We are being made vulnerable as God takes away the security blankets that we cover ourselves in and removes the pretenses of self-preservation. God is making us see ourselves and our lives for what they really are and that is not always easy. I keep telling people, "Daniel will make you tell the truth." It'll also make you see the truth, and accept the truth. It makes it harder to deal with foolishness--yours and others. And it raises standards.

Yeah, I have been wrestling for two nights now, trying to discern what is going on inside of me. I think it is that I am seeing how I have settled not in actuality but in my thoughts. God is opening me and showing me "more" and making me come to grips with why I've been willing to settle for "less"--why I ask for the minimum and not the maximum and how certain disappointments have pocketsized some dreams. I feel like Akeelah in Akeelah and the Bee. You remember the scene--she's in the office with Laurence Fishburn and he asks if she wants to win the spelling bee. She gives a half-hearted response. So he keeps pushing her until she screams, "I WANNA WIN THE SPELLING BEE!" And as I write this blog, I am realizing that this is what God is doing.

I told Him "yes" to His will and His way. I told him I would obey and tell Him "yes" to 2 specific things I did NOT want to say "yes" to. I told the Lord that if He asked these things of me and I knew it was Him speaking, I would submit. Now it seems that God wants another "yes." He wants me to say "yes" to what He has shown me and told me. And this time the "yes" is not to the difficult or hard thing or thing I do not want. This time the "yes" is to the something greater than I can ask for and more than I imagined. And yet I am struggling to wrap my lips around this "yes"and admit I want it and believe I can have it. I'm on the brink of screaming, "I WANNA WIN THE SPELLING BEE!" oh but I am so wide open at just the thought that that kind of vulnerability scares me. To want, to hunger, to yearn, to be passionate again about something that stirs my soul AND ADMIT IT is scary. I lose the false sense of protection that pretense gives. I no longer can lie to myself and say, "Well, I didn't really want it," if it does not come to pass. I cannot minimize potential disappointment with pretending it was not important, I didn't really care. These are the thoughts that have held back this "yes." But Daniel will make you tell the truth: I want ALL that God has for me, not just the crumbs I think I deserve. So, "Yes, Lord, I WANNA WIN THE SPELLING BEE!"

There...it's out. I'm done. Now maybe I can sleep tonight! :-)

Day 14: Run On and See What the End Is Going to Be

Scripture: I Samuel 17, Ruth

Today's Menu: I just don't know...

Getting kinda bored with Daniel food so maybe I'll see treat myself to a smoothie or something from the Wholefoods hot bar

Run On and See What the End Is Going to Be

Thanks for all of the encouraging posts, texts, and emails! It was truly appreciated. So, it's the 14th day of the fast and we 2/3 there. I must admit that my 2009 request, which was the final September Daniel fast request, AND request for this fast was denied. I am trying to deal with the disappointment and keep on fasting anyway. I will not give in to the ice cream cake with the crunchies. That's the good thing about community and accountability, it can keep you when other things can't. If y'all didn't know I committed to fasting through my bday, I would eating a lot of comfort foods right now. But even though I did not get what I asked for, I got some surprising gifts--last night when I came home, there was a package on my back deck. Inside was a beautiful, silver link Tiffany's bracelet from my "play relatives" ( I have a Chinese brother, sister, niece and nephew, and brother--he's black. lol!). One of my good girlfriends bought me the Tiffany gift box charm to go on it. When I got in this evening, I found a beautiful bouquet of flowers from my best girlfriend in Chicago. I was treated to lunch and received so many emails, texts, calls, and FB shout-outs since midnight last night. I didn't get what I asked for, but I got a lot of what I did NOT request. So, I am grateful and although my year long request was denied, at least for now, I am immeasurably blessed.

I've been thinking about Daniel 10: 12: He said to me, ‘Do not fear, Daniel, for from the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words have been heard, and I have come because of your words. I am reminded that God heard Daniel's prayer the moment he humbled himself to seek God. The answer, however, did not come until 21 days later. I am reminded that sometimes, we just have to wait. I would like to the think that the gifts on the back deck are a sign. Perhaps, some things will show up out of nowhere, unexpected, and yet so welcomed. So, I'm just gonna run on and see what the end is going to be. I believe I'm gonna like what's up there!

Day 13: Still Holding On

Scripture: I Samuel 16-17

Today's Menu:

Grits with black beans (really missing the sausage)

Left over chili

nuts

raisins

Subway salad with veggie patty

Olive tortilla chips

Pop chips

Still Holding On

Ooops! So clearly I forgot to blog this morning! My apologies! A now I feel obligated to say something profound and I have NOTHING, NADA, ZILCH, ZIP. You get the picture?! Lol!

The fast continues on and now it seems that my cravings are hitting me kinda hard. I want meat, well a steak, and I want calamari pizza-my latest fav. I was craving sugar during the first couple of weeks but the raisins helped me with that. I am trying to "woman up" for tomorrow--it's my birthday and I am feeling a little sad about not having any cake or real celebration. I sincerely feel like this fast is what I am supposed to do. I am really believing and seeking God regarding my next season in life and that of our church. I am confident that God will answer and move on our behalf. So I am still holding on despite my deep love of Carvel ice cream cake with the chocolate crunchies in the middle. I'm sorry, but it just makes me happy to have that on my birthday. But I keep telling myself that the sacrifices now will not compare to what God will do; that one day I will look back and clearly see my shift into this new place in God and know that this was my tipping point. The cake with the crunchies will be there on January 23rd! I asked God for a birthday present. I asked Him to do something very specific and if it was not time for that request, if He would just do something to encourage my heart in this endeavor. I believe He will, I need Him, too. So, I'll let you know how it all turns out.

Meanwhile, give me the 40 pep talk because I am feeling a bit anxious about these 40's for so many reasons. And then I think--perhaps this will be the decade of dreams. The 30's were filled with such sorrow....So here's what I am going to do, I read it in a book I got as a gift. Tomorrow during my devotional time, I am going to make a "God box." Inside of it, I will place all of my prayer requests and date them. They will remain with "God" until they are answered. Once answered, I will date them and collect them in a scrapbook of answered prayers. I will have a tangible testimony of God moving in my life and be able to encourage myself in the Lord.

Well, it's about 2 1/2 hours before I cross over (time stamp on this blog is wrong... I don't know the time I was born so I just go with midnight)

I'm not going back, I am moving ahead....I'm moving, moving forward!

Day 12: Pray for Haiti

Scripture: I Samuel 13-15

Today's Menu:

My tasty accident from yesterday

nuts

olive tortillas

blackberries

banana

portuguese collard greens (only vegetable I want, really craving them...)

Pray for Haiti

Today I simply ask that we pray for those affected by the horrible earthquake in Haiti.

Pray:

• for hurting
• for the trapped
• for the lost
• for the those that mourn
• for loved ones who have received bad news
• for loved ones who have received no news
• for the emergency workers
• for resources of time, money, construction expertise, medical personnel, etc
• peace and comfort

And whatever else the Lord lays on your heart. May the peace of Christ reign and the love of Christ respond. God bless you!

Day 11: Consistency

Scripture: I Samuel 13-15

Today's Menu:

Breakfast: Banana

Snack: Olive Tortilla and lemon sparking mineral water

Lunch: A TASTY ACCIDENT

I have been trying to figure out how to fix the black rice fiasco. I didn't want to waste it so I just shoved it in the refrigerator until I could resurrect it. Here's a recipe:

Black rice cooked in water or vegetable broth and salt (it is best with some BUTTER, but that'll have to wait)

I heated up a can of goya lentils with some salt, onion flakes, and pepper

Then I stirred in the black rice until it was about half rice and half lentils

added about a 1/4 cup of diced tomatoes

a couple of tbsps of this 3 pepper bruschetta I had in the fridge

I wanted to put some corn in it but was all out :-(

Gonna do it again tomorrow--I like this

Dinner: Vegetarian chili

I need to get some vegetables in....

Consistency

Yesterday I was a superstar! I got SO much done and even got ahead on my "to do" list all because I started the day right. Of course, I crashed around 5:30-6pm for a little nap but I was making things happen. Today should have been a repeat performance. It wasn't/isn't. I didn't make it to the gym. I am just now getting to the blog. I will do my devotions in the next hour or so in the sanctuary :-((!!

This basic discipline is a hard one for me. I get it done but I have a hard time accepting and living out the reality that my day must begin at 5am with some very specific things to work well. I am not a morning person. I have to painstakingly train myself to be one. And sometimes, that is the nature of my walk with God. I can do what God wants but sometimes it is so much easier on my timeframe than on His. Why won't He budge? Because it only works really well or at all His way.

Part of this fast is to CONSISTENTLY follow God, not just during these special fast occasions. I want to develop this habit so that it is not so easy to go back. I don't want seasons of closeness but a daily, close(r) walk with God. I love the ways that I see Him, hear Him, worship Him, am in love with Him and excited again about my life and what God has in store for me. I want to carry that beyond the fast, which means I must carry this intentional seeking and obeying beyond the fast.

So I will finish out today to the best of my ability and tomorrow, God willing, I will try again.

I'm not going back, I am moving ahead....I'm moving, moving forward!

Day 10: Not a Blue Monday

Scripture: I Samuel 6-8

Today's Menu:

Snacks: Banana, Nuts, Applesauce, Raisins, Triscuits

Meals: Portuguese collard greens (last of them) and vegetarian chili (yesterday's recipe) with olive tortillas

Not a Blue Monday

Today has gotten off to a good start, although I am feeling like I want a nap. It always happens after the high of working out wears off. So, I made it to the gym this morning, which is a major accomplishment. It has been a LONG time. It was good to get that cardio in. Down 3.2lbs since last week without any real exercise. I am hoping I can drop about the same this week with the exercise. Daniel really cleans up your eating. It also helps me to get my priorities straight especially when it come to my own self-care. I know that I need to do certain things before I leave the house each morning: Bible reading, prayer/journaling, prayer with prayer partners, Wii Fit body test, crunches, gym. In order to make the morning work, I have to prepared meals the night before and have gym and work clothes laid out. I have to PREPARE. And isn't this what this fast is about--Preparation for the breakthroughs, answers, petitions we have asked of God?

I sense in very deep and real way that God is moving on my behalf. And I know that so many others are feeling the same way. I sincerely believe I will get what I have asked of the Lord. I believe more that I ever have and know that I am closer than I imagine. This is so exciting to me! I am hearing the whispers, seeing things fall into place, and just waiting for confirmation. I am at peace. I was worried and discouraged at how "un-corporate" this fast seemed to be. I thought of the children of Israel who could have crossed the wilderness in 40 days, but wandered in it for 40 years because of their unbelief and disobedience. And it didn't affect just them--Joshua and Caleb had to wander with them, too. Can I say for the record, I am tired of the wilderness?! But today I felt the Lord saying that it won't hold up what God has for me or for His people who are faithful and obey. I pray that as a body, we are ready for this next shift because I get the feeling God is not playing. His grace is never sent in vain--it is to give us time to get it together. So, I am trying to be who I need to be and do what I need to do. I've decided to put away childish things and seek full maturity in all areas of my life. Daniel is no joke.

And here's the other thing I am sensing--perhaps the only people who could really heed the call to this fast are the hungry; people who want more of God regardless of what it costs or takes. I know of at least 3 other churches, no 5, who are fasting the first few weeks of the year. God is doing something in His KINGDOM, not just an individual church. I don't want to miss KINGDOM vision! It's Monday, but I'm not blue and for this I am grateful.

So tell me, what are you sensing in your spirit? Because I believe God is speaking.

Day 9: Sunday Afternoon

Scripture: I Samuel 4-5

Today's Menu:

black beans over brown rice

portuguese collard greens (hey, gotta finish it up-waste not want not...)

nuts

peach apple sauce

olive tortillas

Cooking chili in crockpot as I write:

1 bag kidney beans

1 bag white beans

3 cans diced tomato

1 small can tomato paste

1 chopped onion

1 can of Rotel tomatoes and chili powder

2 cans mushrooms

1/2 pkg of tofu (extra firm, crumbled)

salt, pepper, chili pepper, cummin to taste

I will take a look at it in another hour to see if ned to add more tomato paste to thicken it

Sunday Afternoon

Today was a very good day with unexpected surprises...I went to 2nd site and knew Minister Steve would not be there today. He had made arrangements for a friend of his to lead it. Instead, it was the entire Watchnight Praise Team minus Minister Steve. How awesome! Then 2 seekers came forward to connect with the ministry and I think God may have given me answer to one of my fasting requests. Like Mary, I am pondering this in my heart. I feel at peace, though.

So, right now, I have some chili cooking in the crockpot and I don't have to do a thing. I can rest this evening and that is another blessing. I attempted to make some black rice but it was nasty. It really needs some butter to bring out the flavor...oh well, I will save it until after the fast and use it as a bed for some grilled salmon (yum!).

I am hopeful about this fast. God came through for me in a big way yesterday. I was able to do EVERYTHING I needed to do, get a nap in, AND be in bed by 10pm. I am reminded of the words to the hymn: Oh what peace we often forfeit, oh what needless pain we bear. All because we do not carry, everything to God in prayer. Yesterday, God reaffirmed a lesson He taught me a long time ago--follow the peace. Yesterday, I just went with the flow and completed my sermon in record time, all my laundry was clean and put away (5 loads!), blog, devotions--all done. and today, by the time, I left 7:30am service for 9:30service, I had the title and text for next week's sermon.

So tonight, I will thank God again, settle into bed, and begin this week anew excited that in the end, a stressful week did not manage me, but with God's help, I managed it.

Day 8: Surviving the Slump

Scripture: I Samuel 2-3

Today's Menu: Banana

Black beans and mushrooms over brown rice

Portuguese collard greens

Olive tortilla chips

Gerber Graduates fruit twist

Mixed Nuts

apple sauce

I will probably make chili for Monday...I need about 2 days to season it right

Thanks for the feedback.

Surviving the Slump

The past couple of days have been difficult but not with the food. I still crave the sweets-apparently I am addicted to sugar more than meat, cheese, and bread. Who woulda thought? I am, however, feeling the pressure of this time of year--annual conference report, lent planning, joshua conference planning, 2nd site initiatives, weekly sermon and bible study writing and endless administrative details...I have not had a decent devotional time since Wednesday and I feel it. Late nights have killed my early mornings but I jump back on the wagon tomorrow so I am optimistic.

Today, I have been taking care of home, mainly laundry and putting clothes away. 2 loads to go...I must clear my space in order to clear my head. There are so many projects that I need to attend to--storms doors to replace, 2 windows to fix/replace, tires for my truck, tackle my office, return forms to my financial planner... So I am trying not to completely freak out about how it will all get done.

So I decided to take a deep breath, focus on one thing at a time. Blog. Laundry. Devotions. Laundry. Sermon. Laundry. Dear Lord, please let me get to bed before midnight. Today, I am seeking God in the mundane things, in the midst of the tedious tasks and chores we must do, the less than glamorous times of life. Today I am simply trusting Him to show up in the everyday, usual circumstances of life and bring me through. I am not particularly looking for a miracle but I'll take one. All I really need is perseverance, strength, and a willing spirit so I don't fall into this slump and become negative.

The reality is that this is what comprises most of our daily lives...the mundane, unexciting things that must get done--the plains we cross between the mountain highs and valley lows. My task today is to survive the slump and not get overwhelmed, and simply trust God in this space to keep my spirit up and attitude positive. I am resisting the urge to complain about the help I need and when He will send it. Instead I will thank Him for the strength to climb the 3 flights of stairs (and that I have 3 flights of stairs), I will thank him that I can multitask at home since I do not have to go to the laundromat. I will thank Him for running water and heat and food. And the slump will pass and I will have survived it again!

Day 7: Run Your Own Race

Scripture: Samuel 1

Today's Menu:

Breakfast:Banana

Snacks: Apple, Salt n Pepper Pop Chips(Wholefoods has best price-I know, amazing. Best non fried potato chip I've found, tastes like munchos), baked Tostitoes and/or Olive tortilla chips with salsa, nuts and raisins

Lunch/Dinner: Black beans with mushrooms over brown rice and portuguese collard greens (cut into strips and sauteed in olive oil and garlic)

Fizzy Lizzy (cranberry juice in seltzer) or Lemon Mineral Water

Been feeling a bit nauseous. Any advice?

Run Your Own Race

Got off to a late start this morning. I've been very tired lately. My goal is to get to bed by 9pm tonight so I can get back on board with my routine which needs to begin at 4:45am. My goal is to get to the gym next week and do some cardio. The good thing about this fast is that I can exercise since I don't have to miss meals.

Right now, I am focusing on settling in and listening to God. God seems to be talking to me in the details with gentle nudging and making more aware of things. I feel a peace and that has come much sooner than the last fast for which I am grateful. I am convinced that I must continue to focus on God and what God wants of me.

I must admit that I was a bit disappointed by the initial lack of response to this fast (and maybe it as changed, maybe like God told Elijah, He has 7000 who have not bowed to Baal or kissed him). But it did make me wonder why I should continue to sacrifice, especially during my 40th birthday, for a corporate blessing that others do not care enough to sacrifice for. I get tired, too. And then, I felt the Lord tell me: Run your own race.

You see, we are all in this together. We should be running together. But do you ever feel like you are doing your laps and each time you come around the bend, you see the same people sitting on the sidelines who are supposed to be running with you? It's natural to feel that way which is why I believe Hebrews 12:1-2 tells us: "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight and the sin that clings so closely, and let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus the pioneer and perfecter of our faith..." So, I refocused, took my eyes off the stands and the sidelines, surrounded myself with some running buddies, and looked to Jesus. I have to keep pace with Him, believing that I will eventually make it to the place God is calling us. I have to believe that others will not hold up what God has for us.

Victory is on the way! As a matter of fact, it is done. We are just waiting to catch up with it. We believe God. We obey God. So let's run on and see what the end is gonna be.

Day 6: So I Told God "Yes"

Scripture: Genesis 7-9

Today's Menu: The grits are working for me so I'm gonna stick with them

Tofu (forgot the flavor-got some off wholefood's hot bar) with mushrooms

Mixed vegetables

raisins and nuts

Triscuits

Vegetable stew

Maybe-black beans and rice

Technical Note:

If you are having trouble posting to the blog. Try it twice. When I try to comment on the blog, I always get an error message after I hit send the first time. I just hit it again and then it goes through. I don't know why and I am using google so try it twice and let me know. If you are following the blog-please comment and let me know you are reading them OR send me an email rstclair@stjamesame.org so I can see if this actually is a helpful tool. Thanks!

So I Told God "Yes"

I don't have much to say this morning but a whole lot to do. So I will just give an update....I told God "yes." I am not exactly sure what I am saying "yes" to, God didn't ask me about anything in particular. I just gave God an across the board "yes" for however, whenever, with whomever, He wants to make this next move in my life. I decided to quit focusing on what I want and focus on being ready to give God what He wants. I am a bit nervous but I am meditating on Matt. 7:11--"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" I am going with the songwriter--"The Lord has promised good to me...." and with Jeremiah, I affirm God knows the plans He has for me, plans for my welfare and not my harm to give me a future with (or "and a") hope. I told God "yes" and each day I will work on not taking it back. I've taken back the stipulations that sometimes (ok, lately often) come with my "yes's". I am resisting the urge to constantly remind God that I want this or prefer this rather than that. I told Him before and now I am going to let it go and delight myself in Him--God knows the desires of my heart and most importantly, God knows what I need today and everyday that He shall give me. That's all, people. I believe God. I obey God. So i told God "yes."

Day 5: God Bless Galileo

Scripture: Genesis 4-6

Today's Menu:

Giving up on the cream of wheat because I cannot sweeten it the way I want (Bye cream of wheat, see you after the 22nd!)

Today, I am saying--Hello, grits! And I wonder, "Will this be the start of new relationship?"

Black beans and brown rice, baby! Added some mushrooms, garlic, salt, and pepper and my help has come

Nuts and raisins

Mixed vegetables

Yukon gold potatoes tossed in a little olive oil with salt and pepper and oven roasted and then dipped in some Tabasco course mustard instead of ketchup

Vegetable stew until the vat is finished, then I'll make chili. It actually gets better each day

Banana

Apple or applesauce

God Bless Galileo

Galileo is often called the "Father of Modern Science." His insights into physics and astronomy are still used to this day. However, he spent the latter part of his life under house arrest by the Roman Catholic Church after being denounced as heretic. Why, you ask? Because he supported and advocated Copernicus' theory that the earth revolved around the sun and not the other way around. Galileo held the sun lay at the center not the earth.

For those of you who attended Watchnight at SOPAC, you may remember how I spoke about the wise men following a star to see the SON, and the parallel I made between the sun and the SON-just as things revolve around the sun and it gives light and life, and determines the earth's seasons as we rotate and revolve around it, so it is with the SON. We are to revolve around Jesus, He gives us light and light and determines the seasons of our lives. And what I am finding out in this fast is that my natural inclination is to adopt a worldview in which I am at the center rather the one Galileo talked about in which the sun (SON) is.

Now on one hand, I have always wanted God's will and sought Him for it especially when I was making major decisions. In general, I have tried to follow God's leading, and admittedly, sometimes better than others. But there is a different sort of press this time. My universe is shifting and I am no longer the center of it. I am seeing how I have made what I want a priority asking God to revolve around my wishes. Here's what I mean, even when I know that what I want is God's will I still want Him to get on my schedule. At some point, I try to become the center again, dictating the terms. And from the outside, it may not seem like a big deal since I do not live a reprobate or "disobedient" life; I don't habitually, intentionally sin. I do strive to live a repentant life. But God isn't asking for just the "big" stuff, He's asking for holiness in the details and for me, that begins with my attitude and orientation towards things. It means losing my vested interests that seek after my comfort, convenience, preferences, inclinations and seek after God trusting that I and it will be ok and better for having placed Him in the center.

Following my astronomy metaphor, I was thinking this morning that I feel like Halley's (rhymes with valley) comet. A comet is actually a giant, dirty snowball in outerspace. Halley's comet can be seen from earth every 76 years or so. It revolves around the sun but at a different trajectory from the planets. However, there comes a point in its journey that it is pulled very close to the sun and when this happens, it begins to melt--it's size is reduced. It also gets brighter. The sun illumines it and it leaves a trail behind (that tail that is seen when the comet is visible) Now, I don't think I am GIANT dirty snowball but we can all be cleaned up a bit more. I do feel like the SON has pulled me close and the result is that I am decreasing and getting brighter and will hopefully leave a bright trail behind me.

Last night at prayer meeting, Rev. Richardson had us spend time in God's presence just to listen to Him and seek Him on our own. I came to the altar and knelt ready to ask but all I could do was thank Him for everything I had prayed and asked for. I sat listening and worshipping because I felt no need to petition. God has it, God knows, and God will do it. That's what my spirit told me: I already asked and now I worship and wait, keeping the SON at the center so I can be ready to revolve after this next move. My posture is one of seeking, but not of my desires. No I need to do what Ephesians 5:10 says "Try to find out what is pleasing to the Lord." Because if I do this, I will find my place in my petitions. As I pray for financial strongholds to be destroyed, I will see what I need to do to please God in this area of my life and what I need to give to God's house beyond the tithe because the tithe is the minimum gift. As I pray for guidance and direction, I will see where I need to go so that I can lead others. You see, when I put the SON in the center, then I must revolve around Him; I have to see how I will respond to God not just how God will respond to me.

So God bless Galileo! Because his scientific insights have helped me put the SON in its rightful place.

Day 4: Moving Beyond a "Feel Like It" Faith

Scripture: Gen. 1-3

Today's Menu:

Cream of wheat wheat with raisins, cinnamon, nutmeg

Banana

Triscuits

Apple

Vegetable stew

Black beans with brown rice and balsamic mushrooms

Steamed broccoli

Moving Beyond a "Feel Like It" Faith

I received a text from one of my friends yesterday--a praise report actually. He was praising God because after 2 years of praying, he finally solved his squirrel problem. Let me explain, about 2 years ago he bought an older house, his first home. He made some improvements, updated some things, and was enjoying the property. But then, he started hearing these scratching, running noises over his head especially in his bedroom. He called exterminators, animal control, you name it and all to no avail. They couldn't find the panel to get into the attic portion of the house, nor could they find the animal's entry point. So, short of tearing into his house, they could not set a trap.

I heard of his squirrel woes over lunch after he visited the last 11am service when I preached. He looked at me and out of nowhere said: "Raquel, I just had to put the squirrel into the hands of Jesus. I can't do no more" and we continued catching up. So yesterday, he is looking out the window and he sees the squirrel exiting his house. He now knows the point of entry, the professionals can set a trap to relocate the animal or seal the opening--all because he put it in the hands of the Lord.

So I get his text and story while fixing some roasted potatoes for my Daniel dinner and I start thinking--what are some things I just need turn over to Jesus? I thought about the fast prayer requests--the church's finances, my finances, my hopes, and dreams and desires; the things that I prayed about and for during the last fast and didn't see the results I had hoped and expected-- my disappointment. And then every so softly, my spirit said, "I need to put me in the hands of Jesus." And I paused, struck by the thought that I wasn't there already, that the reason I was disappointed by the last fast was because I didn't get what I wanted from God although God got what he wanted from me--time, attention, focus, submission, obedience, priority, seeking, hunger, passion. God was telling me something in this but I couldn't quite get it. I told Rev. Alise the story, that there was a sermon in here somewhere, and that I had to get in the hands of Jesus, but how? I know how to put things, and people, and problems, and wants, and wishes in his hands but how did he want me to get in them during this season? And I went to sleep.

This morning as I drifted in and out of slumber, those thoughts were still with me. But what became clear was this: I am expecting God to move in some very specific ways and am fasting for some things-financial breakthrough, the elimination of debt, and spiritual guidance, but God is not a means to an end. I have to get in his hands with everything else I put there. I have to surrender my requests to God along with myself and allow Him to work out His will in and for me during this season and accept it. I obey and serve and do because He tells me or spiritual leadership tells me to do certain things regardless of whether or not I feel like it or want it, because my "feelings" and "wants" put me at the center not God. And God is not obligated to please me, I have been created for HIS pleasure.

I believe that what God is saying to me and others of us during this season and this fast is this: GROW UP! Move beyond this "feel like it" pseudo-faith that is grounded in the attaining of our wants and wishes without the level of sacrifice to which GOD calls us. Quit whining and complaining and giving up because we don't get what we want when we want it or are temporarily inconvenienced as we pursue lasting change, transformation, and breakthrough. Mature beyond a self-centered faith that can only participate in something that directly impacts us and not sacrifice for the good of the whole. Work on being willing so we can stop disobeying God under the guise of "we don't want to do it with the wrong attitude"--CHANGE the attitude and do what God says! Quit short circuiting the move of God in our lives and the lives of those we are called to serve through the acceptance of the title, position, or ordinations we have received by refusing to be obedient because we don't "feel it" or "feel like it." Stop making excuses for disobedience and trying to use the Holy Spirit to justify it: "I don't feel led" when God is leading us with a WORD (do this!) and not a feeling. Where is God asking us only to do what we feel like? When did God craft His will around our wants? God is calling us to obey--to put ourselves not just our stuff in His hands. To trust Him with US, not just the stuff we want! Trust Him enough to do what He says even when we don't feel like it because we will answer for these things one day. So often, we act like 2 year olds telling God what we don't want and feel like either with our words or actions or tantrums of disobedience. He's gotta be tired of it by now. I'm tired of doing it.

I am pressing hard. I am following close. I am surrendering and obeying. I am leaving some things and people behind. I am forsaking "feelings" in pursuit of a mature faith. I am climbing into His hands knowing that whatever happens once I'm in there will be good enough because He is God enough. So that when breakthrough comes and prayers are answered both me and my stuff will be ready!

Day 3: The Lonelies

Scripture: Philippians 3-4 (read it yesterday, just read the whole letter)

Today, I read Colossians

Verse for today: May you be made strong with all the strength that comes from his glorious power, and may you be prepared to endure everything with patience, while joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has enabled you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the light. Colossians 1: 11-12.

Today's Menu:

Cream of wheat with baby food or Polaner's All Fruit

Vegetable soup/stew (I'm gonna name this dish at some point)

Triscuits

Gerber Graduates Fruit Twist (yes, more baby food-perhaps I buying and eating this by faith...)

Apple

A little smoothie I made with bananas, pineapple, and soy milk--not bad, but not so good. lol!

The Lonelies

Yesterday evening/last night was bit difficult. Typically, the hardest days of the fast for me are the evenings of the first few days and it's not because of the food, it's the lonelies. I feel like I go through this stripping, isolating phase before I really sense the presence of God. The lack of TV, movies (all though I do not watch or go that much), the random conversations, or not intentionally participating in social activities makes me lonely. I already live alone and the fast REALLY emphasizes it.

So today, I need you all's prayers--call me by name-- because on the last fast I went for 40 instead of 21 days. 2 out of 3 of my personal requests went from bad to worse and the first part of the 3rd--no answer and the second part isn't looking that good. And that fast was a stretch--through revival and sharing meals with our guests that I could not really participate in, after planning the anniversary for a year-no good anniversary food, and I ended it with a 3 day water fast...smh and now this fast is during my 40th birthday and I am wondering if I am crazy for doing this again. I like cake! I like parties!

Ok, ok...I believe God. I obey God. I believe God. I obey God. I believe God. I obey God. I believe God. I obey God. I believe God. I obey God. I believe God. I obey God. I believe God. I obey God. I believe God. I obey God. I believe God. I obey God. I believe God. I obey God. I believe God. I obey God. I believe God. I obey God. I believe God. I obey God. I believe God. I obey God. I believe God. I obey God. I believe God. I obey God. I believe God. I obey God. I believe God. I obey God. I believe God. I obey God. I believe God. I obey God. I believe God. I obey God. I believe God. I obey God. I believe God. I obey God. I believe God. I obey God. I believe God. I obey God. I believe God. I obey God. I believe God. I obey God. I believe God. I obey God. Another day of fasting begins and the optimism and hope returns on the wings of the new mercies I received this morning. I think: I can't wait to testify that it was all worth it and more; that the sacrifices pale in comparison to the blessings. I believe God. I obey God. I believe God. I obey God. I believe God. I obey God. I believe God. I obey God. Say it with me... I BELIEVE GOD. I OBEY GOD.

Day 2: It's On and Poppin'

Scripture: Philippians 1-2

Today's Menu: Let's see, I ate a banana before 9:30 service and some triscuits and water on the way to 11am service.

Right now, I am eating a bowl of the vegetable soup/stew I made yesterday and it's REALLY good, at least to me. The butternut squash really brings a nice flavor to it.

Trying to get in 3-4 bottles of water

not sure what else I will eat, don't have much of an appetite

Things I plan on trying...

For breakfast tomorrow, I will make a little cream of wheat

I will take a little and mix it with my Polaner All Fruit spread and mix a little with one of my baby foods and prayerfully, I will have another breakfast option...

It's On and Poppin'

Clearly, I'm feeling a lil ghetto...lol! But seriously, don't you feel it? The excitement, the newness, the expectation, the FAITH? I do. I feel people are getting serious about their walk with God and are ready to do whatever hey must to receive the promises and blessings of God. I am seeing fewer victims of a "good enough" faith. And that, my friends, excites me and makes what I do worth the sacrifices it often requires.

So, although I am excited, I am also a little...well, "anxious" is too strong a word and I'm not "afraid" but maybe "nervous" is the right word. I have butterflies in my stomach :-). Yeah, that's it-butterflies! I feel that twinge of excitement and expectation that is also mixed with a little nervousness and uncertainty because I believe and feel something good or great heading my way but I don't know exactly when or how. Today, I sensed the Lord saying to me "Now. It is the time." I am certain I have tipped into another season. I need a change, I need the seasons to shift and I need to God to show up for me personally, not just professionally. I am believing God for Raquel not just Rev. St. Clair. I pray that God is saying "now" because it has been "not yet" for so long.

So it's on and poppin'--I am preparing and positioning myself to follow where Jesus is leading and do what He says. I crave intimacy with God and I want to hear his voice speaking about some specific areas of my life. During this fast, I have once again turned off the TV and no movies. I spend most of my alone time in silence or listening to worship music. I am being very careful about what I subject myself to. I do not need fluff, foolishness, frivolity. I do not need distractions. This is my time to focus, to press hard after God, to hear clearly and unmistakable. It is the time and I want to be ready.

Day 1: It's a New Season, It's a New Day!

Scripture: Ephesians 4-6 (read chps 1-3 yesterday)

Menu: Since it's the 1st day, here's my grocery list. It may help get you started. Got it all at Shoprite. Will do Whole Food items on separate list...

Tricuits (thin ones are FABULOUS!!!)

Matzo

Organic peanut butter (check labels to make sure no sugars are added)

Polaner All Fruit (I got grape, make sure to get the one with no sugar added and is 100% fruit)

Apples

Grapefruit

Bananas

Pineapple chunks (for smoothies)

Frozen vegetables

Vegetable stock

baked tostitoes

salsa

assorted beans (black, small red, lentils, chick peas, large white beans)

brown rice

Prego All Natural Marinara Sauce

Tomato paste

Diced tomatoes

New item I am trying: Baby food

Yup! I bought some fruit mixtures for my sweet tooth since they tend not add sugar or artificial flavors or colors. Might be a good breakfast option when I don't want to make smoothies, need a snack, or want "dessert"...

Whole Foods List:

Great food bar. I use it add variety.

• Ginger sesame tofu
• Spinach pasta with veggies
• Veggie patties (they are SO heavy, you only need half and have no off limit ingredients like a lot of veggie patties do)
• Quinoa cakes
• Tabbouleh

I purchase from Whole Foods (aka Whole Paycheck) a specialty items I cannot get elsewhere, or haven't found yet and a few favs

• olive and sundried tomato bruschetta
• coconut milk for smoothies (the one's they carry do not have guar gum)

Last night, I made some kind of vegetable soup/stew. You are gonna have to play this recipe by ear because I don't measure things...

Vegetable Stew: Add all ingredients to 5 quart crockpot, cook on warm for 8 hours

1 pkg lentils

24 oz mixed vegetables (frozen)

12 oz butternut squash (frozen)

1 medium yellow onion

vegetable stock (enough to fill pot and cover ingredients. You may need to add more stock or a couple of cups of water because veggies will release water but the lentils will suck it up)

I originally added 1 large container of vegetable stock (those cardboard containers in the soup aisle usually on the top shelf, I forget how many ounces it is) and then enough water to peak through ingredients. When I checked it this morning, it was too dry. The lentils had sucked up all the water so I added the 2nd container of vegetable stock (about 7/8 of it) to cover ingredients.

2 bay leaves

season to taste ( I used salt, white pepper, a little minced garlic, and oregano)

Triscuits (my former Daniel love)

Apple or applesauce

Grapefruit (maybe)

Gerber's Baby Food--either the vanilla, apple, and mixed oats or apple and pear

It's a New Season, It's a New Day!

I am really excited about this fast and find that a bit odd because (1) not only do I love to praise Him, I love to eat esp things that contain meat, and sugar, and flour, and dairy, and yeast....you get the picture and (2) my birthday is during this fast, a significant birthday, and I will have no cake on that day,or anything else I'd really like eat to celebrate. But one thing I have learned is to look at the big picture. My birthday is just that, a DAY, I am doing this fast because I am looking at the WHOLE YEAR! God willing, there will be other birthdays and greater celebrations but I feel like if God has given me another year of life, I want to spend that year in obedience to God and spiritual leadership. This fast will be my personal "thank you" to God for letting me see 40 years (yes, I said it but only because I don't look a day over 39! lol!) and my surrendering this next season of life to Him.

I want God's guidance, direction, wisdom, and discernment. I want debt broken over my church and my life and I want and expect EVERYTHING God has promised. I am pressing and pursuing hard and I am PASSIONATE about this thing. I refuse to go into this New Season or another New Day with whining, complaining, or pessimism. I serve a GREAT GOD and I am expecting GREAT THINGS so I am willing to make GREAT sacrifices to get it. And I believe this fast will not only help me get my actions in line with God's will--my eating, care of body and self, daily devotional time, gym time, sermon prep, etc but it will most importantly get my attitude and perspective in line for a blessing.

My motto/ resolution for 2010 is "I believe God. I obey God." It's 2010 and I will be 40. 10 and 40 are two VERY significant numbers of completion and I am expecting some things to be completed in my life. I don't want to carry doubts into the new year. I refuse to allow circumstances to determine the level of my faith. I purpose in my heart to believe GOD no matter what it looks, feels, or sounds like. And I want to obey God, in the minutest details of life. That's how we tune our ears to hear God--we obey God. Disobedient ears are blocked and deaf ears because disobedient people do not really want to hear from God--hearing from God requires change and decision and surrender. I want to be obedient because God's best comes God's way.

For the me, the seasons shifted on Christmas Eve. I felt it all around me at Candlelight service. God is doing something unique in our midst and I perceive it and want to be a part of it. I hope you will, too!